Let's Finish My Africa Lessons...

4) I learned to be flexible if things don't go the way I had planned
5) To view my long-distance runs as trials in life, and that giving up because I'm tired or dying from heat stroke is like giving up when life gets tough
6)I learned what it truly means to be a servant and what a servant heart looks like through God's eyes
7) HUMILITY
8) The importance of rest; not just physical rest, but spiritual rest in Christ, especially when my faith is being challenged
9) The importance of withdrawing to be by myself when I've been around people for too long
10) The importance of strong, Christian friends who will hold me accountable, encourage me, and pour into me
11) How to be a spiritual leader
12) How to love people by looking for the good in them and not dwelling on their faults or shortcomings
13) THE POWER OF PRAYER (quick story....) So, we travel to a village one night that is pretty darn deep in the African Bush. After dropping us off, our driver tries to move our bus and we realize that it's stuck in the mud. And, as he continues to spin his wheels, the mud holes get deeper and deeper. We spend 2 hours trying to get the bus out of the muck, using everything from rocks to palm leaves to random pieces of wood. Of course all the people in that village come to help us too. Finally, someone on our team brings up this great idea of praying about it! I mean, let's be serious, what Christian person spending 3 mos in Africa on a mission trip thinks of asking God for help before resorting to anything/anyone else in a tough situation? Ummm, hellllooooo? So, we step aside and pray as a team. No sooner had we gotten the word, "Amen," out of our mouths than our driver revs up the engine and flies right out of the holes we had spent 2 hours try to dig out of with just our hands. I think it's safe to say that God taught us all a very valuable lesson that night!
14) Spiritual warfare is very real and it does exist! I promise!
15) Satan will attack me even more forcefully the closer I get to God; this doesn't mean I'm failing in my faith or my walk with God, but that's what the Enemy wants us to think
16) I learned how refreshing it is to get up early, set aside actual time with God, and not just go through the motions of an obligatory quiet time
17) How to be content with the period of my life I'm in and where God has me for that time
18) To immediately turn to God instead of others when times get tough and I feel like I can't go on
19) TRUST HIM
20) I know I said I had 25 lessons, but as I'm reading over them in my journal, I realize I have duplicated a couple but used different wording. So, this is the last one:
GOD IS MOVING IN MIRACULOUS WAYS IN AFRICA!

You Know You're in Africa When....

-Every store, building, guest house, etc. has a religious title such as, "God is Good Car Parts"
-You see people chew and swallow whole pieces of chicken, including the bones
-You are greeted by each person you pass with one of the following greetings:
**"How are you?" **"Where are you going?" **"Can I have your address" **"You will be my wife!" **"You give me money to go to America!" **"ABRONI!" **"FOLLY!" **"AWKWAABA!" **"Give me a biscuit!" **"You are welcome!"
-You see goats, sheep, dogs, roosters and cats roaming everywhere
-Each "Baaaa" from a goat sounds completely different; like even the goats have different dialects
-You go to villages with no electricity and naked, starving children, but somehow everyone has a cell phone
-You go to a 'bathroom' that consists of a dirt, cement, or tile floor with no drainage system
-You get attacked by Oncho flies....they bite, you bleed immediately
-You eat soup with your hands
-You eat tuna and bean sandwiches
-You eat just beans for breakfast
-You see children breastfeeding way past the age they should have stopped
-You eat snails that when cooked, taste like a salty tire and are considered a delicacy
-Green oranges
-Machetes used as lawn mowers
-You smell burning trash....everywhere you go
-FANCHOCO
-You see straight men holding hands...that's what guy friends do, right?
-A trashcan is anywhere you want to put your trash
-You drink water out of plastic bags that you tear a hole in with your teeth
-Shell stations are a hot commodity for Americans
-You fear you stink because flies constantly swarm you, but there are actually just flies everywhere....on second thought-you're in Africa = You do stink
-You experience a 100% Muslim village asking Christian missionaries to build them a bigger mosque
-5 hour long church services
-You eat white yams that aren't sweet at all
-You leave a village and a swarm of kids chase your bus
-A Ghanaian demands that you leave him all your belongings when you leave
-You break 5 bunk beds in 1 week
-You eat pastries for all 3 meals in one day
-You try to learn the Ghanaian rhythm, but you will never quite get the way the women dance
-You see a woman slap her child and come forward to accept Christ all at the same time
-YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW A CHILD'S LANGUAGE TO SHOW THEM HOW MUCH THEY ARE LOVED

Lesson #3

DEFINITELY OUTSIDE OF MY COMFORT ZONE HERE!!
So, another thing God taught me while I was in Africa: It's OK if I don't have my whole day planned out to the minute because things will come up. I've learned not to be so anal and time/schedule-oriented. People commend me all the time for being so organized and always having things planned out far in advance, but you know what...that part of my personality has always been more of a burden to me. This goes right along with me being so routine oriented. I never liked being so stuck in my routine that I almost couldn't function if something came up and interrupted my daily routine. Well, I had to get over that pretty much as soon as I landed in Africa. Nothing was planned ahead of time, nothing was ever on schedule, and things were constantly changing. The whole time I was there, I kept on thinking about how I couldn't wait to get back to the states and get back into my routine, despite that fact that I knew I didn't like being the way I was. But, that was how I had been my whole life and that was what was comfortable for me. Little did I know that God didn't have it in His plans for me to fall back into my little routine when I got back from Africa. All along, He was preparing me for exactly what I'm going through right now in Charlotte. I was thrown in head first coaching 100 kids ages 12 and under without having any training or 'learning the ropes.' Yes, I have a lot of experience coaching swimming, but I have been out of the sport itself for 5 years, and unfortunately, swimming and rowing don't really complement each other. I didn't know my way around Charlotte AT ALL and most of you know how terrible I am with directions. Also, I had to borrow a car from some people on the team the first week I was here because I didn't have mine. Now, don't get me wrong, I was so grateful they loaned me their car, but the seat would not move forward b/c the gears were broken. It was set far enough back to seat a 6' person comfortably...So, not only did I keep getting lost, but I was sitting on the edge of the seat with my legs fully extended to reach the pedals. Anyway, without going into too much detail, I think it will suffice to say that my life is mass chaos right now. But....despite the fact that I still have yet to get into a set routine and I'm still getting used to having a real job, I'm OK with things being uncertain and I actually like it! I think God prepared me well for what I'm going through right now, and even though it made being in Africa really tough, I learned how to set my eyes upon Him especially when my world is in disarray.

2 Things Seen only in Ghana:
1)Women carrying a baby on their back, balancing a massive bowl of fruit or bread on their head, and maintaining perfect balance while dancing an African jig and not breaking rhythm
2) Showing the Jesus Film in a village on a portable TV running on a loud generator because, obviously, the villages have no electricity

GHANA VIDEO - CHECK IT OUT!

Go to this link. This is the short video and sadly you have to be on Facebook to see it. A longer one is coming later...
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=634543083462

Lesson #2

I know, I know; I should have posted this several days ago...I wish I wasn't so bad about posting on my blog. I just need to try to make a habit of it. Anyway, here's the 2nd thing God told me while I was in Africa: When He tells me to give my burdens to Him and allow Him complete control of every aspect of my life, He will always pull through with something far better than what I thought was best for me. In Proverbs 19:21, it says, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." It is funny how I can think back on so many circumstances throughout my life where God's plans have been completely different than mine and I fought and fought against Him because I thought my plans were best for me. However, His plans prevailed, and thank goodness they always do because only He knows what is best for me. For example, in my previous blog post, I mentioned how I thought it would be best for me to take the job in KC, but obviously, God had a better plan for me. Now that I have been in Charlotte coaching at MAC for 3 days now, He has done nothing but confirm my obedience to His call for me to come here. I absolutely love my job! This first week was definitely overwhelming because I flew into Charlotte early Wed. morning and I hit the ground running with my first practice on Wed afternoon. Despite being really scattered and a little stressed (OK maybe more than just a little stressed) with my first few days of practices, I immediately fell in love with my kids! I coach 2 different groups of kids, and between the groups, I have close to 100 kids (ages 7-12). I am living with a family who also swims for MAC, and I don't think God could have put me with a more amazing family! They are awesome Christians; they live right on the lake; they have 4 wonderful kids (1 is away at college); the mom and I have so much in common and she's just as active as I am; they are really involved in their church and missions. The father travels to India several times a year because he is actually training a an Indian pastor in hopes that he will be able to start a church where he lives. I could go on and on about what a blessing it has been to have them in my life. They have welcomed me in from day 1 as part of the family! God has also blessed me with a solid group of Christian co-workers, and a lot of the parents of my swimmers are as well. Each blessing is a constant reminder that God's plans are always far better than the plans of my heart.

"2 things only seen or done in Ghana:"
1) Open breast feeding...with no shame - women would just feed their babies with no covering anytime, anywhere, even on the front row at church. This was really hard for the guys on our team to get used to. Especially, when it happened during church services, right in the middle of their message.
2) Roosters crowing...constantly - each morning, I woke up at 5:30 to the sounds of multiple roosters crowing outside my window. But, they didn't just crow as the sun was coming up, they would crow without ceasing at all hours of the day. Maybe that's how often we should be praying...

So....Africa?

Just in case there are still some people who are unsure as to whether I made it safely back from Africa or not, no need to worry; I did make it back to the states. Africa was absolutely amazing! I wish I could have blogged while I was there, but I was actually only able to access the internet 3 times the entire duration of my trip. However, I did make myself journal every day, and I am so glad I did! God taught me so many things and changed me in so many ways this summer, and I was able to put my thoughts and the feelings of my journey into writing so I will always be able to look back and remember exactly what He showed me. I have so many stories, but I don't even know where to begin. Well, I'll start with this: I made 2 different lists on the last few pages of my journal. My first list consists of "Things only seen or done in Ghana!" When you travel for 28 hours straight, you have a lot of time to think about stuff like that... My other list, which I treasure deeply, consists of the 25 lessons God taught me while I was in Africa. So I'm going to share those lessons one at a time, and then I'll give a few items off the other list just for kicks (there are a lot of 'things only seen or done in Ghana').

The first thing I wrote down that God taught me was by far the most important and most meaningful. OK, I have to preface it with a little reminder of my personality before I went to Africa. If you know me well, you know that I am very Type A. I like to have things planned out at least 2 wks in advance; I have to know what the next day will look like before I go to bed at night. I am most comfortable when I have a set schedule and a routine. Yada yada yada.... In other words, I don't like stepping outside of my comfort zone. So, God sends me to Ghana where there is no schedule, everyone just goes with the flow, they have no sense of time, hygiene is overrated; we never knew what we were going to be doing from one minute to the next. After about 3 days in that culture, I truly questioned whether or not I could make it for 10 wks. To be completely honest, I had a really tough time getting acclimated to the culture the first few weeks I was there. There were times when all I wanted to do was hop on a plane and head back to the US, but when you're in the middle of the African 'bush', there's nowhere to escape but just deeper in the bush. I quickly realized that that was exactly where God wanted me. I was completely outside of my comfort zone the entire time I was in Africa, but because I was there, my heart was wide open to allow God to take it and mold it as He pleased. There was no one else to turn to. I couldn't leave; at first I couldn't talk to my teammates about it because I was the oldest person on the team and I thought I was the only one who felt so helpless (it didn't take too long to realize I wasn't the only one struggling); I couldn't really consult my mom; I couldn't call my friends; BUT, God was right there beside me, reaching out His hand. So, in that first week or so, I turned my summer completely over to Him, and I set all other distractions aside so I could become fully dependent upon Him. See, when we become so comfortable with our lives here on Earth - we have our set routines, our jobs, our families, our friends, and we just continue to go through the motions - we also become comfortable in our faith; and, when we are comfortable in our faith, we can't have an increasing desire to become more intimate with our Father, and our heart can't be fully open to the things He needs to teach us. However, when we put ourselves in situations outside of our comfort zone where we HAVE to be fully dependent upon God, that is when we are most vulnerable to spiritual growth and greater intimacy with Christ. That is where God calls us to be; that is where His hand is; that is where we can know what it means to wholeheartedly desire Him.

I was outside of my comfort zone for 10 weeks and it was during that time that my heart was fully open to the 25 major things God needed to reveal to me and He totally changed my life! Think back to the last time God taught you something crucial... How long did it take you to finally 'get it'? As I look back over the last decade of my life, I can recall some lessons God was trying to get me to learn for years. And, I don't even know if I could think of 25 different things God has taught me over the last 10 years. But this summer, in the middle of Africa, far away from home, WAAAAY outside my comfort zone, God was able to teach me in 10 WEEKS far more than I was open to learning in the past 10 YEARS! He is so persistent and compassionate despite our stubbornness and desire to be independent. So, with all that said - I want to live outside of my comfort zone; I want to put myself in situations where I have to become fully dependent upon my Savior; I want to fully desire a deeper intimacy with Him; I want to be changed daily....

If you're a song lyrics fanatic like myself, maybe this verse from the Casting Crowns song "Voice of Truth" will paint a better picture of the point I'm trying to convey: "Oh, what I would do to have the kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in and onto the crashing waves. To step out of my comfort zone, into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is, And He's holding out His hand..."

Lastly, 2 things only seen or done in Ghana:
1)Bucket showers - there's no running water so you take your bucket to the well outside, fill it up, grab a little scooper, go to the bathroom, and shower!
2)Pouring water into the back of a toilet to flush it - there's no running water so you get water from the well and fill up the back of the toilet with enough water to flush it. However, when you share 1 bathroom with 12 other people, you don't want to waste the well water, so we have this slogan...."if it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down." Simple, right?

Some lessons are better learned the hard way

Wow! My life has been such a whirlwind from graduation earlier this month until now; and, it's not going to let up until August, I'm sure. I leave for Ghana exactly 1 week from today! I am so excited I can't handle it! I know for certain that God is going to reveal His glory in a mighty way to the people we will meet, and He has some life-changing experiences and amazing challenges/lessons planned for my heart while I'm there as well. I know this because I have been battling some crazy spiritual warfare for the past two weeks. Daily, it seems like the stronger I try to pursue my Father, the harder Satan tries to pull me away. He attempts to distract me by throwing forks in the road of my preparations to leave; he sends fear and doubt my direction about my ability to lead my team, even though I know God handpicked me to be the team coordinator; lastly, Satan has been fighting with his strongest 'weapons' against the area of my heart where I'm most vulnerable right now - the area that is still in the healing process; the area that still contains deep love for the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with... Isn't that so characteristic of a cowardly fighter? He knows his weapons are powerless against me because I'm filled with God's mighty strength, but due to his cowardliness, Satan fights the strongest where I'm the weakest...
Two weeks ago, Matthew and I saw each other for the last time before I leave for Africa and he leaves for India. We talked for 3 hours and by the time it was over, God had revealed some things to us about each other and about our relationship that we had been blind to the entire year and a half we dated. It was no coincidence that the night began with our friend's wedding. Somehow God used me being a bridesmaid in this wedding to show me His pure and true intentions for the marriage of two of His children. I have been to too many weddings to count, but for some reason, I never truly saw marriage through my Father's eyes until this one. Maybe it was because at this wedding I was right beside the preacher, bride, and groom and I had to stare at them throughout the whole ceremony. Who knows? Despite where I was standing, God wanted me to have that revelation because He knew what would transpire that evening between Matthew and I.
Without going into too much detail, we realized that our relationship had not started off centered around God. At the time, we were both seeking our identities in Christ and our foundations were still a bit shaky. Even though God changed our hearts drastically while we were together, our relationship was never as God-centered as it should have been. We were so immature in our faith and as individuals, and more often than not, we allowed our feelings for each other to control the path of our relationship. As a result of this, it ended with a rough break-up, and our discernment continued to be cloudy even after that. It took us both 2 months of strong spiritual maturing to realize in one night how God views marriage and that we had come so close to jumping into it without truly knowing what it meant and without fully seeking and seeing clearly God's will for us. After that conversation, my heart kind of broke all over again, but the pain I felt wasn't the same pain I had felt after we broke up. This pain was kind of like a growing pain because God had revealed so much to me in 3 short hours.
It was so hard and it still is. It's a lesson I needed to learn; I just learned it the hard way. I still love Matthew. Love for someone is not something you can just throw to the side. In a way, it never truly goes away; it just gets overtaken by a stronger love and passion for God, and that's something I think I am finally getting. I am finally loosening my grip on the love for Matthew I was holding onto and giving it over completely to God. It's still a slow process and I feel so weak, but God wraps His arms around me and increases my strength daily. Praise Him! I am still battling with Satan in that area because I miss Matthew and I still think about him a lot, but the harder I pursue God, the stronger He enables me to fight!
I know that as soon as I get to Ghana, the process will go even faster, but until then time seems to creep by. God has so much in store for Matthew and I while we are pursuing God's purpose overseas, and I am certain we will come back as two totally different people. I know we will meet again, and neither of us know for sure that God won't bring us back together because that's SOLELY up to Him; but, when we do see each other again, whether it's for forever or just as friends, I know we will both have grown and matured so much. No matter what happens, I have learned that God has a hand in EVERY little thing, whether we view it as something easy or extremely tough. Even though my journey with Matthew was one of the hardest things I have ever been through and I learned a lot of lessons the hard way, I would do it all over in a heartbeat because I know now that God's plan is bigger and far better than any plan I could ever have; but, most importantly, my passion for God became stronger as a result of the journey! In the words of the Rascal Flatts song, "Here:"

"And I wouldn't change a thing

I'd walk right back through the rain.

Back to every broken heart on the day that it was breakin'

And I'd retrieve all the years

And be thankful for the tears

I've cried with every stumbled step

That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through

To get me where it got me in those moments spent with you

And it passed me by God knows how many times

I was so caught up in holding what I never thought I'd find..."

I belong to YOU

So, I realize it's been forever since I've written anything. A lot has happened in my life since the last time I posted something. Simply put, I've done a lot of "reflecting" on my life. I tried to sit down and post my latest thoughts so many times, but once I tried to gather those thoughts and put them into words, they just became too overwhelming. For starters, I never thought I would find myself, two weeks before graduation, unaware of my career path or where I would settle first. The only thing I am certain of right now is that I'm leaving for Africa in a month & a half to glorify God by reaching out to the lost and to become a total piece of clay, which I'm praying God will be able to mold into the woman He wants me to be. I have total faith and trust in God that He will show me the journey in which He wants me to embark, but time and again I find myself wanting to take matters into my own hands and create my own journey. However, as soon as I start paving my own road, God places a roadblock directly in front of me which causes me to turn back around, face Him, and realize that He knows what's best. For my entire life, I have always planned ahead...I plan my weekends two weeks in advance; I plan my entire day before I go to bed at night; I start studying for exams several days in advance; I make "To Do" lists probably everyday and I love crossing items off; I know exactly how long it takes me to get ready to go somewhere and I am almost never late; I have yet to find a day planner that is too big for me to cram my day into; one of the worst things I do is plan what I'm going to eat for breakfast the night before, at breakfast I plan what I'm going to eat for lunch, and you guessed it, at lunch I plan what I'm going to eat for dinner. Most people would say that being a planner is a good characteristic to have, but for me, it's an obsession. The reason why I brought this up is because I think God has been trying to break me of this obesession this entire semester. At the end of December, I thought I knew for certain the man I was supposed to marry, where I was going to live when I got back from Africa, and I was pretty certain I had a job that would be waiting for me when I returned. By the end of January, all of those "certainties" had become quite uncertain, and I could have freaked (not gonna lie, I did for a little while), but God spoke to me, reminding me and promising me that HE was the only certainty I truly needed. Everything else would come together in time, I just needed to trust Him and know that His plans were perfect. I desire to trust Him with all my heart and to drop all my burdens at His feet, but I find myself time and again releasing my worries to Him just to take them back again. Why is it that I continue to try to regain control of my life when my past experiences are proof that all I do is fall on my face under the weight of the desire to be in control? I don't want to be in control of my future because I know I can only see God's Will when I allow him to take the wheel. Here are some lyrics to a song that really spoke to me today by Storyside: B called, "Be Still":

"I remember all the times: the good times and the bad

I'm still holding on to You

Some days I wanna run, sometimes I come undone,

but I still belong to You

Thats how I know that when I feel like caving in,

My heart my soul is wearing thin; I just want to give up...

Nothing seems at all to add up

Can you hear me Lord?

My face is down upon the floor, its then you whisper in my ear,

'Be still and know I'm here...'

I see a side of you my friend - the same struggles that I have

My heart goes out to you!

I know its hard to feel alone, and this world's so unforgiving

I've been feeling that way too but I can tell you...

Is that you? Is this me?

It's sometimes hard to believe that I am not alone

It's not just you and not just me

We all need to believe that we are not alone...

Thats how I know that when I feel like caving in,

My heart my soul is wearing thin; I just want to give up

Nothing seems at all to add up

Can you hear me Lord?

My face is down upon the floor, it's then you whisper in my ear,

'Be still and know I'm here...' "

I Wouldn't Trade It...

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.
Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him...

Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men. "

-Lamentations 3:22-28, 32-33

I have so much to say, but I have no idea where to start. As I look back over the past 5 weeks, and I'm sure as you read over the past 5 weeks, I can say that they have been the worst and best 5 weeks of my life. I have never experienced pain as I experienced, and still do to some degree, but I also have never experienced God as I have been lately. I have witnessed so many amazing things in which I have seen God's hand so clearly play a part. I experienced first hand just this past week how loud God's voice can actually get when He needs you to obey immediately, and why His timing is always perfect. I cried tears of joy for the first time in a long time this past week when He allowed me to see a glimpse of His timing at work as He confirmed and affirmed my obedience to Him. I started my Bible study with the crew girls this past week and it was amazing. We are reading Becoming a Woman of Excellence by Cynthia Heald, and I can already tell that God has some amazing things in store for us through this study. I love the girls so much, and I love the insight they are able to provide on what we are studying; and it is amazing to see how God is and will be working in their lives as well. So, once again, thinking back over the past 5 weeks, even though there were times I wished God would take me away from this world, if I were given the choice to go back....I would choose to do it all over again; I wouldn't trade it for anything. I desire to spend time with God every minute of each day because He has brought me so incredibly close to Him and His heart through all this. Words just can't describe how He has changed my heart. NO, I would never trade the love I have been feeling from God and for Him for the absence of the pain of a shattered heart. I still have so much growing to do and so many things to work on...I know this period is not in any way over, and I'm certain it never will be because I want to continue growing closer to Him in the dramatic way that I have been throughout these past 5 weeks. God is so good! Before I end this post, I just want to say that Matthew and I finally talked last night face to face....a real talk. The things that were said are positive things and they shed a different light on things, but I am choosing to remain cautiously optimistic. Simply said, God showed me a glimpse of a light at the end of the tunnel. But, that's just it....a light at the END of the tunnel; I'm not going to let myself rush through the tunnel to get to the light. I'm certain God will bring me there when He believes I'm ready, but in the meantime, I will consider to pursue Him as I have been, as if nothing has changed...

"because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

James 1:3-4

Bitterness as a Root

Today has been a good day to conclude a really good weekend. I am anxiously awaiting the start of a "Big Mammaz" intramural basketball game at 9:30 and I just finished an intramural soccer game, which was also for "Big Mammaz." We didn't win the soccer game, but no worries...we will dominate our basketball game. The intramural field is completely torn up. It has been raining here for 2 days straight, and so we were falling and slipping right and left on the muddy field. But, it was tons of fun; cold, but fun! I woke up Friday with a sinus infection. I wasn't able to get in to see the doctor until tomorrow, but I am actually glad my 5-week long cold turned into an infection because now I can actually treat it with real medicine, and hopefully, that will be the end of it. Friday night I worked and then just chilled in my apartment because I didn't feel that well and I was really tired. But, last night was amazing!! I went out with some friends, people that I don't normally hang out with but after last night definitely want to again. We went to Lifechurch, then Starbucks, then the dollar theater to see Enchanted, which was so good, and then we went to IHOP for a really late dinner. I know what you're thinking....what did you eat at IHOP that your stomach could handle? Well, I had an egg sandwich and some fruit, and it wasn't bad. However, that was a 9:30 dinner, and with my stomach disorder, I just can't eat that late. So, I paid for it when I got back to my apartment with a really bad stomach ache. However, it was completely worth it because I had such an amazing time!!! I love getting to know people, laughing, and talking about faith and life. Oh, what a fun night! Anyway, God really spoke to me last night during Craig's sermon at Lifechurch. The new series is titled, Hostage, and the topic last night was "Bitterness." If you missed it last night, or you don't go to Life, I would thoroughly recommend listening to it online. I have a link to Life's website down and to the right a bit. Well, ever since my life and future plans were jerked out from under me, or so I thought, I kept telling myself that I wasn't bitter or angry with Matthew. I knew that I loved him so much, that no matter how much it hurt me and how greatly my heart was broken, I wanted him to do what he felt was right. It was so easy to think this way at first, and so easy to tell people that I wasn't mad at him despite what I was going through. However, as time passed, my heart began to change and I began to feel things other than pain. I began to realize that I was angry with him. Everytime something reminded me of him, I would still feel that initial sadness and longing, but then those old feelings would be followed by new feelings of bitterness. I kept denying that I was bitter, and I denied it so much that it wasn't even something I prayed about. I was still only praying that God would comfort me and take the pain away. But then, last night, it hit me at church - I finally realized that I was bitter because of what Matthew had done. I was bitter because I had opened the door for him to talk to me, and he still hasn't chosen to even after 4 weeks. I was bitter because I felt he had no compassion whatsoever for my feelings. I was bitter because he showed up at the fitness center the other day to workout wearing my shirt. I was bitter because no matter how many times I am successful during the day to keep him out of my thoughts and focus them on God, I fail over and over again at night because I can't keep him out of my dreams...Craig described bitterness as a "dangerous root" that if allowed to grow to deep, can produce a "poisonous fruit." Hebrews 12:15 says, "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." I don't want a root of bitterness toward him to develop and grow, so I have to kill it by forgiving him. It's not something that can just happen overnight, as most of you know, but I know it will eventually kill the bitterness that I have been denying. So, I promise to forgive you over and over again; each morning when I wake up, I will forgive you because I don't want to be bitter, and I don't want bitterness to turn into something much worse. I FORGIVE YOU...

Valentine's Day?

So, of course, today is Valentine's Day. I had PT at 7:30 this morning, then I worked out, went to class, and now I'm at work until right before my night class at 6:00. I'm still fighting this ridiculous chain of monstrous colds. I have been sick now for almost a month, and I'm wondering if it will ever get better. Yes, I have been to the doctor and he pretty much told me there was nothing he could do because I just had continuous symptoms of the common cold. Oh well, I've decided that when you go through severe emotional trauma, your immune system gets depressed, and well, that's what I'm dealing with I guess. So, I was working at the coffee shop and I saw a girl come in and sit in one of the chairs for a while. I could tell she was waiting on someone because she didn't order a drink and she wasn't studying or anything. A little while later, a guy walks in with a Gladware box of what seemed to be homemade cookies and two red roses. The girl immediately jumped up as she saw him and ran into his arms with a giddy little giggle. It was so sweet and sad at the same time. I would love just one single rose for Valentine's Day. Oh well. I did, however, get a huge package from my mom for Valentine's Day. I was so excited!! I got several bags of coffee for my new coffee maker, some chocolate, some cookie cutters and sprinkles to make cookies, and a couple of other things. I thought today was going to be really tough, but I have a couple of amazing friends who are praying for me today, and I know their prayers have helped me get through. So, all in all, it hasn't really been that bad. I'm reading this awesome book by John Eldridge called Desire and God has really been speaking to me through it. It has been encouraging because I had decided that I don't ever want to fall in love again, or at least not for a long time, but he speaks on the importance of not burying our desires. For as long as I can remember, a strong desire of mine has been to marry the man of my dreams, to love him unconditionally, and for us to grow as one spiritually with God at the forefront of our life together. God made my heart with that desire and for me to bury it and pretend I was never passionate about it would be an insult to Him. The desires of our heart come directly from God. He brings us closer to Him through those desires. To flee from them would be to cut off that connection we have with our Father....

I Think I'm Finally Getting It....

So, today was a really good day. It was beautiful outside. I'm still pretty sick, but I was able to workout a little and that felt good. I made lots and lots of follow-up phone calls for my Ghana support raising. God is amazing!! I left a lot of messages, but the people that I was able to catch were so excited and I could tell God had allowed them to share in my passion for Africa. I had a handful of people commit to supporting me financially today, and I still have so many people to talk to and so many more letters to send out. I have been praying so hard for the people I am sending letters to and I know God is speaking to their hearts. Another reason I'm happy is because I went out for dinner and coffee with a group of friends last night that I hadn't hung out with in quite a while. I had so much fun and I laughed so hard that my abs were sore today. I needed that so much. I can' t remember the last time I laughed that hard; I had actually almost forgotten how much I love to laugh. One of my friends that came along snorts when she laughs...well, it makes me laugh even harder, and then she laughs and snorts louder...needless to say, I'm sure that restaurant was ready for us to leave!

After a couple of rough nights last week, I went to Borders and browsed the Christian book section. I found two books that I think will be so helpful for me right now. I have already almost finished one of them, and I want to share some of the things the author said that really spoke to my heart. The book is called Why by Anne Graham Lotz, and it's about trusting God in circumstances that you don't seem to understand. There are many quotes throughout the book, but one of them touched my heart so deeply that it has been my prayer each morning to remind me that I've given my concerns to Him and I'm trusting completely that His hand is in everything that has been happening lately:

"I lay my 'whys?' before Your Cross in worship kneeling,

my mind beyond all hope,

my heart beyond all feeling;

and worshipping, realize that I,

in knowing You,

don't need a 'why?'"

(Ruth Bell Graham).

God also spoke to me in something the author said, "God has given you a platform of suffering from which you can be a witness of His power and grace to those who are watching. Because, if we always feel good, and look good, and lead a good life...if our kids always behave, and our boss is always pleased, and our home is always orderly, and our friends are always available, and our bank account is always sufficient, and our car always starts, and our body always feels good...if we are patient, and kind, and thoughtful, and happy, and loving, others shrug - because they're capable of being that way too, when everything goes right. On the other hand...if we have a splitting headache, the kids are screaming, the phone is ringing, the boss is yelling, and the supper is burning, yet we are still patient, kind, thoughtful, happy, and loving...the world sits up and takes notice. The world knows that kind of behavior is not natural. It's supernatural. And the glory of Jesus is revealed in us!" Anyway, God has taught me so much through this book and I have been so at peace lately. Like I said earlier, I had a couple of tough days last week, but one thing that gave so much strength was a letter a friend wrote to me. It was so encouraging, and it reminded me of the strong woman of God that I seek to be. He also quoted Isaiah 40:31 at the end of the letter, and that verse gave me so much strength:

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint."

God is daily renewing my strength as He is drawing me closer to Him, and my heart yearns so much for time to be solely with Him. My room mates were gone to a race yesterday and today. So, I was alone and I popped in the new Jeremy Riddle CD that I just purchased, and I cranked up the volume and had the most amazing God time ever! I'll end with the words to this song on his CD Full Attention:

"May Your voice be louder

May Your voice be clearer than all the others,

than all the others
May Your face be dearer

May Your words be sweeter than all the others

Than all the others in my life
Please keep my eyes fixed on You

Please root my heart so deep in You

Keep me abiding that I

Oh, that I might bear fruit
May Your presence be truer

May Your presence be nearer than all the others,

than all the others
May Your light burn brighter

May Your love go deeper than all the others

Than all the others in my life"

Trust

"I won't pretend to know what you're thinking.

I can't begin to know what you're going through.

I won't deny the pain that you're feeling,

But I'm gonna try and give a little hope to you...

Just remember what I've told you:

There's so much you're living for.

There's a light at the end of this tunnel.

There's a light at the end of this tunnel.

For you, for you.

There's a light at the end of this tunnel.

Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel.

For you, for you!

So keep holdin' on.

You've got your disappointments and sorrows.

You ought to share the weight of that load with me,

Then you will find that the light of tomorrow

Brings a new life for your eyes to see...

So remember what I've told you:

There's so much you're living for.

There's a light at the end of this tunnel.

There's a light at the end of this tunnel.

For you, for you.

There's a light at the end of this tunnel.

Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel.

For you, for you.

So keep holdin' on ..."

~Tunnel THIRD DAY

Sweetly Broken

"To the cross I look.

To the cross I cling.

Of it's suffering, I do drink.

Of it's work, I do sing.

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed

Showed that God is love,

And God is just...

At the cross You beckon me.

You draw me gently to my knees,

And I am lost for words, so lost in love.

I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.

What a priceless gift:

Undeserved life, have I been given

Through Christ crucified.

You’ve called me out of death.

You’ve called me into life.

And I was under Your wrath,

Now, through the cross I’m reconciled.

At the cross You beckon me.

You draw me gently to my knees,

And I am lost for words, so lost in love.

I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.

In awe of the cross I must confess:

How wondrous Your redeeming love

And how great is Your faithfulness...

At the cross You beckon me.

You draw me gently to my knees,

And I am lost for words, so lost in love.

I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered...

~Jeremy Riddle

Lord...I trust You

"I wonder how it must have felt when David stood to face Goliath on a hill?

I imagine that he shook with all his might,

Until You took his hand, and held on tight.
'Cause You were there...

You were there in the midst of danger's snare;

You were there, You were there always.

You were there when the hardest fight seemed so out of reach.

Oh, You were there, You were always there
So there he stood upon that hill-

Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill,

But God in all his sovereignty had bigger plans...

And just in time, You brought a lamb.
'Cause You were there, You were there in the midst of the unclear.

You were there, you were there always.

You were there when obedience seemed to not make sense.

You were there, You were always there.
So haven't I learned that my ways aren't as high as Yours?

And You alone keep the universe from crumbling into dust.

You are God, and though we would not have understood You,

There You were hanging blameless on a cross.

You would rather die than leave us in the dark.

Every moment, every planned coincidence just all makes sense.

With Your last breath You were there, You were there.

During history's darkest hour You were there, You were there always.

You were the Victor and the King;

You were the power in David's swing;

You were the calm in Abraham;

You are the God who understands;

You are the strength when we have none;

You are the living, Holy one;

You were, You are, and You will always be the Risen Lamb of God..."

-Echoing Angels, "You Were There"

I started my internship at the Little Lighthouse this past Monday. This internship is such a blessing, and God knew it would be exactly what I needed right now. If you don't know much about Little Lighthouse, you can learn more by visiting their website linked on my blog. It's a non-profit organization for children ages 1 - 6 with special needs and disabilities. They provide classroom and rehabilitation services for the children, and their curriculum is Christian based. I was being introduced to the rehab specialists (PTs, OTs, speech pathologists, audiologists, and vision consultants), and I met the vision consultant who travels yearly to Africa to work with special needs children over there. Of course we immediately had something to talk about! I told her all about Ghana and shared my passion with her, and she shared her stories and heart for missions with me as well. We could have talked all day, but my 'tour guide' was ready to move on. However, she asked if she could pray with me.....it brought me to tears. I sat with her and she placed her hands upon me and I know God was speaking to me through her prayer. I felt His presence so strongly in her tiny office while she was praying. I had awoken that morning, not wanting to start the week, but God calmed me in that little room. He reminded me that things would be OK. After she finished praying, she asked me if I believed the Spirit could fill people and allow them to see things that other people couldn't see? Well, I had never been asked that question, but I believe the Holy Spirit has the power to do anything. So, she told me she was unsure of what I was currently going through, but she saw a big angel hovering over me during her prayer....WOW! I had no idea what to say to her, so I just stood up and gave her a huge hug and thanked her. I felt so peaceful and strong after that. It's funny how God knows just what we need and exactly when we need it.....

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the LORD, 'and will bring you back from captivity."

-Jeremiah 29:11-13

One Thing

"Here I am in a river of questions...

Can I pour my heart out to a listening ear?

I see this life: Its valleys and mountains,

And I think of all the roads that brought me here.

I’ve questioned my reasons and the life I’m living.

I’ve questioned my ability to judge wrong from right.

I’ve questioned all the things that I’ve ever called certain:

My race, my religion, my country, my mind.

But the one thing I don’t question is YOU

You really love me like you say you do.

You really love me like you say you do

So, hold me...

Hold me...

I’ve questioned significance,

Meaning and relevance.

Does the work I’m doing really matter at all?

Well I’ve questioned my friendships: Alliance...dependence

Who will still be here when I fall?

Only one thing doesn’t change -

Only one thing stays the same -

But the one thing I don’t question is YOU.

You really love me like you say you do.

You really love me like you say you do.

So, hold me...

Hold me..."

-Paul Coleman Trio

If You're Reading This...It's For You

"You turned my wailing into dancing;

You removed my sackcloth and

clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing to you and

not be silent" (Psalm 30:11-12)

I feel like I have so much to say, but I can't seem to put it all together into words. I guess I'll preface this by saying that this past week was both one of the best and one of the worst weeks of my life. I celebrated my 23rd birthday on Thursday, but I almost forgot it amidst the sudden events that occurred right before Jan. 24th. Even though last Tuesday was probably the worst night of my life, Thursday ended up being one of the most amazing days! Jeanna, Jessica, and Lucy took me to get coffee, pedicures, and lunch to celebrate my birthday since I was with them in Kansas City. I don't think words could ever express how much that meant to me or how much I needed it. However, it wasn't just their simple acts of kindness, but their Godly wisdom and words of encouragement that kept me going when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. I'm so blessed to have Jeanna, Jessica, and Mrs. Tereasa to speak into my life, touch my heart, and provide support no matter the situation.
On the night of my birthday, after sitting through a night class and being unable to concentrate, I walked into my apartment to find streamers and balloons everywhere. My four best friends surprised me with a homemade cookie cake. It was so great for the five of us to hang out, because we hardly ever get to anymore. It was so fun catching up and reminiscing. I am so blessed to have such loving girlfriends.
This evening I just got back from visiting my family. It was good to be with them and be at home. They are so supportive and loving. My mom cooked some amazing meals and made a delicious red velvet cake for my birthday. I got some wonderful presents for my birthday from my family as well. The best thing I got, however, is a very nice coffee maker and bean grinder. I can't wait to set it up and program it to make a pot of coffee right before I wake up! My sweet aunt also treated me to coffee yesterday just to talk about things. She is such a strong woman of faith, and she was able to give me some words of wisdom that really touched my heart.
Everyone has been so supportive through all this, and I know God has spoken through each person I've talked to. I wish I could record everything everyone has said, but of course the words I heard most recently are the ones that are strongest on my heart right now. Yesterday, my aunt said something so simple; something I'm sure I've been told in one way or another by multiple people over the past week; but, for some reason, it finally became a realization when she spoke it to me. After telling her the whole story and getting off on several different subjects while drinking our Starbucks, she said, "If there's one single piece of advice I can give you it would be something I learned early on in my marriage: You cannot expect your boyfriend, fiance, or husband to be able to completely fulfill your emotional needs. The only person who can do that is God. I found that when I wasn't focused 100% on my walk with the Lord, I began to look to my husband to hold me and comfort me, and when he couldn't give me exactly what I needed, I began to doubt him and question our marriage. However, when I allow God to take priority over every aspect of my life, He is able to completely meet my emotional needs and I don't have to depend upon my husband to fulfill those needs."
That is the answer!!! When I found out Matthew was going to get to go to India and I wasn't, my emotions became more and more out of control from that point on. I was seeking God so strongly, but I was throwing all my emotions at Matthew. I expected him to take my emotions upon himself and make me feel better. He wasn't able to completely fulfill my needs, so I became more and more needy, and I didn't realize that I was slowly pushing him farther and farther away. Why did I expect him to be able to completely fulfill my emotional needs? Our hearts fought a battle as I needed him more and he became more detached. It took a broken relationship and my broken heart for me to realize I should have turned to God from the beginning. I'm so sorry........
Over the past 4 days, I have been in the car for a total of 16 hours. During that time I have done a lot of crying, thinking, praying, and worshipping. God has placed a desire and a need in my heart to be in His arms; to cry in His arms. Up until this point, I would run with my emotions and tears into the arms of the man I love to receive comfort. God had to take him away from me so that I would run only to HIS arms, and desire only HIS comforting. I have felt HIM holding me so many times over the past few days, and it gives me a peace and a comfort that the earthly man I love will never be able to give. And the amazing thing is....I don't expect him to be able to.
Matthew, I want you to know that I love you with all my heart, and I know you are the one. God has given me such a peace about it and He has told me to wait for you.....so, I will wait as long as it takes or until God tells me otherwise. And, please know that I will never expect you to fulfill my emotional needs...I have found someone who has taken that burden off of you because He desires for me to run to His arms for the peace and comfort I need.

I Will Praise You in this Storm

I was sure by now that You would have reached down
And wiped my tears away;
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining...
As the thunder rolls,
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain,"I'm with you."
And as Your mercy falls,
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.
I'll praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands -
For You are who You are, no matter where I am.
Every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand.
You never left my side...
And though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm.
I remember when I stumbled in the wind.
You heard my cry, You raised me up again.
My strength is almost gone...
How can I carry on if I can't find You?
As the thunder rolls,
I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you."
And as Your mercy falls,
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.
I lift my eyes unto the hills.
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord - The Maker of Heaven and Earth.
I'll praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands-
For You are who You are, no matter where I am.
Every tear I've cried, You hold in your hand.
You never left my side...
And though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm....
Praise You in this Storm - Casting Crowns

God Alone

I'm desperately wanting to just find a way.
I'm searching and seeking for someone to say,
"That it's all right And it’s okay."
Like I know you can.
That it’s all right and it’s okay like I know you can
You alone are God I am yours and you're mine.
And I know the heavens will call out your name if I don't I close my eyes.
And I'll drift away to a place I remember;
To a place I feel safe.
Where it’s all right, and it’s okay,
'Cause I’m there in your arms.
Where it's all right and it’s okay.
'Cause I’m there in your arms
You alone are God, I am yours and you're mine.
And I know the heavens will call out your name.
Yes, I know the heavens will call out your name.
You forgive me;
You accept me just as I am, and you love me.
And you want me to understand I’m yours, you are mine.
And I will worship you yeah.
You alone are God, I am yours and you're mine.
And I know the heavens will call out your name If I don’t.
You alone are God, I am yours and you're mine.
And I know the heavens will call out your name.
Yes I know the heavens will call out your name.
And with all the heavens, I worship you alone
You alone are God.
"You Alone" -Echoing Angels

Rolling Emotions

Today was one of those days. You know, the ones where your feelings are up one minute and down the next like a roller coaster; the ones where you drink too much coffee and you're energized and alert one minute, and then the caffeine wears off (which is the next minute for me) causing you to crash drastically. I had a pretty good weekend all around. Matthew and I drove to Grove yesterday morning because he had 3 India appointments with some of his parents' friends. It was good to get off campus, even though we have only been here a week now. Initially, I just went with Matthew to keep him company in the car and I was just going to hang out with his parents while he went to his appointments. However, on trip there, he asked me if I would mind going with him to his appointments. I was a little surprised because I was unsure of the point of me accompanying him. I thought it would be weird for me to just sit there while he talked and gave his presentation, but I went anyway. And, actually, he told me that he felt more comfortable with me being there since he didn't know the people he was meeting with that well. That made me feel very special, so I didn't really care if it was weird. We visited 3 different, very nice couples, and Matthew did an outstanding job of sharing his passion for reaching the lost and why he chose India specifically. I was so proud of him for stepping a little out of his comfort zone and being able to convey all the important details so thoroughly! If he was the least bit nervous, you couldn't tell; well, except for the blotches on his neck that creeped up as he got to the part of the presentation where he would ask them for money. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that ever noticed the blotchiness, though, because I knew when to expect it. I'm not making fun of it because I think it's kind of cute. Anyway, I am so thankful and honored that he asked me to tag along for his appointments. It wasn't weird at all, and I enjoyed meeting everyone. I think it also helped me get more and more adjusted to the idea of him leaving, and I was able to share in his passion just listening to him. So, I've become really pumped and excited for Matthew going to India! It was an answer to my prayers because ever since I found out I couldn't go to India, my sadness about him going without me had overshadowed the passion I had once had for mission work in India, but God worked on my heart during those 3 appointments allowing me to break past the grief barrier and once again regain my passion and excitement for Matthew and the India team.
So, we spent the night in Grove and came back to Tulsa today. As I said earlier, my emotions were all over the place today. I feel like Matthew and I haven't spent 'quality' time together in a while. Now, I realize we have been together...obviously, I went to Grove with him, but anytime we're together and we're both constantly thinking about raising support(Matthew-India, Me-Ghana) then we're not focused on just each other. We can spend a whole day together (which hardly ever happens) and be doing this and that, both focused on all the things we have on our plates, and I don't consider that 'quality' time. To me, an hour together where we put aside all other thoughts that aren't about each other is more special than spending an entire day just doing our own thing side-by-side. I don't think he really grasps this concept. We try to take a little time out of our busy schedules each day for each other, but most of the time I don't even feel like we've been together because we were both so focused on the next thing we have to do. It makes me so sad because I want this semester to be so special for both of us since we'll be apart for 13 months. We have roughly 4 months left until I leave for Ghana and he leaves for India, and I want to make the best of those few months. Sometimes, I feel like it's not important to him, which makes me feel unimportant, but it means something to me. We are at such a strange place in our relationship right now, and it doesn't help that we have reached a huge transition period in our life at the same time. I just keep praying it gets better. I want spending time together before he leaves to be so important to Matthew, because I can't get past my irrational fear that he's going to forget about me while he's in India.....

God, This is YOURS....

So Many Questions, So Few Answers

I am so excited that I finally figured out how to put music on my blog. It took a lot of trial and error, but I got it eventually. Today is much better after my incredibly rough day yesterday. I never thought my last semester of college would be so spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically drainging. I have looked forward to this semester for five years, and now that it's here, I'm not so sure I want it anymore. Oh well, it is what it is. However, I have no classes on Fridays, which I am currently praising God for. My internship at Little Lighthouse hasn't started yet, so I'm using today to get stuff done and get back on track. I took my time working out this morning, which was nice because I am always limited on time when I work out. I talked to my mom for a long time and we're having some serious family issues right now. It's so hard for me to be here and unable to comfort my family, but I know the only thing I can do, and the most effective thing, is to pray. I just have to keep telling myself that I don't have to take on my family's burdens; I immediately take them to God and lay them at His feet, trusting Him to bring the peace. Speaking of peace, my heart is the farthest from being at peace right now. Why is it that when I feel most intimate with my Savior, all other aspects of my life seem to fall apart? I know a lot of it has to do with spirtual warfare and the intervention of the Enemy, but the closer I get to God, I think the more He wants me to see that I am nothing without His constant guidance in my life.
Why are we so stubborn as Believers that we have to be constantly reminded to give God complete control of every aspect of our life? One thing I have been strongly praying for recently is that God will reveal even the smallest areas of my life that I have subconciously not given to Him completely. If I had known how He would answer that prayer, I would have never prayed it. How could I have been so blind that I had fooled myself into thinking I had given God complete control of this specific area of my life? I had only given him co-control of this part of my life and it has taken me almost a year and a half to realize that I have been playing tug-of-war with God as far as this area of my life is concerned. I realize now that my relationship with the most amazing man in the world has been my security blanket. I'm almost 23 and I still sleep with a stuffed bear and a tickle-me-Elmo; what was God thinking when he was begging me to give Him complete control of my relationship? That relationship is the part of my life I am most afraid of losing. By trying to control it myself, I thought there would be no chance I would ever have to give it up. Turns out, I was wrong. As things about our relationship become more and more uncertain, instead of trusting God to make the next move, I tried to point it in the direction I wanted it to go. As a result, I put my whole heart into it and wrapped myself up in it and took away any 'co-control' God might have had. Why did I continue to cling to it and bring myself more pain when I could have just trusted God to take care of it? We have to let go of the things we hold most dear and take them to the Cross. We have to realize that laying the things we treasure at His feet doesn't mean He's going to take them away from us. He wants to take our security blankets so that He can become our sole security. He promises in Matthew 11:29-30, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." So, take it God....you can have it....I can't try to make things happen and make things better on my own....please, take my relationship and mold it to Your Will....I'm laying it at your feet....I'm sorry I didn't trust you to take complete control of it....Heal my aching heart.....
MATTHEW, I'm sorry, too...I realize it now...you gave our relationship to Him from the beginning, and I should have too, but I was so scared of losing you....I know this brought you a lot of pain and confusion as well, especially recently, and I"m sorry for that. I hope you understand and can forgive me....I'm not going to try anymore to make our relationship what "I" want it to be....I'm allowing God to take complete control of it - to do His will for us....OLIVE JUICE

My first post

So, I'm not really sure how this whole blog thing works, but I'm going to give it a try. Today has been a yucky day, and it's one of those days that makes me wish I could be curled up watching movies all day. Instead, it's the 3rd day of classes in my last semester of college. It's crazy to me to think how quickly college has gone by, and to think how much God has done in my heart and in my life in these last 5 years. In my quiet time this morning, God reminded me how amazing His grace is and how He continues to except us with arms opened wide even though we continue to stumble. As I thought about that, I remembered my phase of rebellion I had just a few years ago, and I bowed my head in humility. I praised Him for not only forgiving the failure of my faith but for completely forgetting it as well. Looking back, I am so grateful that He not only wrapped His arms around me when I came running back to Him, but He brought me to a height I had never experienced in my faith, and He pulled me into a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him.
"Then Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.'" Matthew 16:24-25