If You're Reading This...It's For You

"You turned my wailing into dancing;

You removed my sackcloth and

clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing to you and

not be silent" (Psalm 30:11-12)

I feel like I have so much to say, but I can't seem to put it all together into words. I guess I'll preface this by saying that this past week was both one of the best and one of the worst weeks of my life. I celebrated my 23rd birthday on Thursday, but I almost forgot it amidst the sudden events that occurred right before Jan. 24th. Even though last Tuesday was probably the worst night of my life, Thursday ended up being one of the most amazing days! Jeanna, Jessica, and Lucy took me to get coffee, pedicures, and lunch to celebrate my birthday since I was with them in Kansas City. I don't think words could ever express how much that meant to me or how much I needed it. However, it wasn't just their simple acts of kindness, but their Godly wisdom and words of encouragement that kept me going when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. I'm so blessed to have Jeanna, Jessica, and Mrs. Tereasa to speak into my life, touch my heart, and provide support no matter the situation.
On the night of my birthday, after sitting through a night class and being unable to concentrate, I walked into my apartment to find streamers and balloons everywhere. My four best friends surprised me with a homemade cookie cake. It was so great for the five of us to hang out, because we hardly ever get to anymore. It was so fun catching up and reminiscing. I am so blessed to have such loving girlfriends.
This evening I just got back from visiting my family. It was good to be with them and be at home. They are so supportive and loving. My mom cooked some amazing meals and made a delicious red velvet cake for my birthday. I got some wonderful presents for my birthday from my family as well. The best thing I got, however, is a very nice coffee maker and bean grinder. I can't wait to set it up and program it to make a pot of coffee right before I wake up! My sweet aunt also treated me to coffee yesterday just to talk about things. She is such a strong woman of faith, and she was able to give me some words of wisdom that really touched my heart.
Everyone has been so supportive through all this, and I know God has spoken through each person I've talked to. I wish I could record everything everyone has said, but of course the words I heard most recently are the ones that are strongest on my heart right now. Yesterday, my aunt said something so simple; something I'm sure I've been told in one way or another by multiple people over the past week; but, for some reason, it finally became a realization when she spoke it to me. After telling her the whole story and getting off on several different subjects while drinking our Starbucks, she said, "If there's one single piece of advice I can give you it would be something I learned early on in my marriage: You cannot expect your boyfriend, fiance, or husband to be able to completely fulfill your emotional needs. The only person who can do that is God. I found that when I wasn't focused 100% on my walk with the Lord, I began to look to my husband to hold me and comfort me, and when he couldn't give me exactly what I needed, I began to doubt him and question our marriage. However, when I allow God to take priority over every aspect of my life, He is able to completely meet my emotional needs and I don't have to depend upon my husband to fulfill those needs."
That is the answer!!! When I found out Matthew was going to get to go to India and I wasn't, my emotions became more and more out of control from that point on. I was seeking God so strongly, but I was throwing all my emotions at Matthew. I expected him to take my emotions upon himself and make me feel better. He wasn't able to completely fulfill my needs, so I became more and more needy, and I didn't realize that I was slowly pushing him farther and farther away. Why did I expect him to be able to completely fulfill my emotional needs? Our hearts fought a battle as I needed him more and he became more detached. It took a broken relationship and my broken heart for me to realize I should have turned to God from the beginning. I'm so sorry........
Over the past 4 days, I have been in the car for a total of 16 hours. During that time I have done a lot of crying, thinking, praying, and worshipping. God has placed a desire and a need in my heart to be in His arms; to cry in His arms. Up until this point, I would run with my emotions and tears into the arms of the man I love to receive comfort. God had to take him away from me so that I would run only to HIS arms, and desire only HIS comforting. I have felt HIM holding me so many times over the past few days, and it gives me a peace and a comfort that the earthly man I love will never be able to give. And the amazing thing is....I don't expect him to be able to.
Matthew, I want you to know that I love you with all my heart, and I know you are the one. God has given me such a peace about it and He has told me to wait for you.....so, I will wait as long as it takes or until God tells me otherwise. And, please know that I will never expect you to fulfill my emotional needs...I have found someone who has taken that burden off of you because He desires for me to run to His arms for the peace and comfort I need.