Bitterness as a Root

Today has been a good day to conclude a really good weekend. I am anxiously awaiting the start of a "Big Mammaz" intramural basketball game at 9:30 and I just finished an intramural soccer game, which was also for "Big Mammaz." We didn't win the soccer game, but no worries...we will dominate our basketball game. The intramural field is completely torn up. It has been raining here for 2 days straight, and so we were falling and slipping right and left on the muddy field. But, it was tons of fun; cold, but fun! I woke up Friday with a sinus infection. I wasn't able to get in to see the doctor until tomorrow, but I am actually glad my 5-week long cold turned into an infection because now I can actually treat it with real medicine, and hopefully, that will be the end of it. Friday night I worked and then just chilled in my apartment because I didn't feel that well and I was really tired. But, last night was amazing!! I went out with some friends, people that I don't normally hang out with but after last night definitely want to again. We went to Lifechurch, then Starbucks, then the dollar theater to see Enchanted, which was so good, and then we went to IHOP for a really late dinner. I know what you're thinking....what did you eat at IHOP that your stomach could handle? Well, I had an egg sandwich and some fruit, and it wasn't bad. However, that was a 9:30 dinner, and with my stomach disorder, I just can't eat that late. So, I paid for it when I got back to my apartment with a really bad stomach ache. However, it was completely worth it because I had such an amazing time!!! I love getting to know people, laughing, and talking about faith and life. Oh, what a fun night! Anyway, God really spoke to me last night during Craig's sermon at Lifechurch. The new series is titled, Hostage, and the topic last night was "Bitterness." If you missed it last night, or you don't go to Life, I would thoroughly recommend listening to it online. I have a link to Life's website down and to the right a bit. Well, ever since my life and future plans were jerked out from under me, or so I thought, I kept telling myself that I wasn't bitter or angry with Matthew. I knew that I loved him so much, that no matter how much it hurt me and how greatly my heart was broken, I wanted him to do what he felt was right. It was so easy to think this way at first, and so easy to tell people that I wasn't mad at him despite what I was going through. However, as time passed, my heart began to change and I began to feel things other than pain. I began to realize that I was angry with him. Everytime something reminded me of him, I would still feel that initial sadness and longing, but then those old feelings would be followed by new feelings of bitterness. I kept denying that I was bitter, and I denied it so much that it wasn't even something I prayed about. I was still only praying that God would comfort me and take the pain away. But then, last night, it hit me at church - I finally realized that I was bitter because of what Matthew had done. I was bitter because I had opened the door for him to talk to me, and he still hasn't chosen to even after 4 weeks. I was bitter because I felt he had no compassion whatsoever for my feelings. I was bitter because he showed up at the fitness center the other day to workout wearing my shirt. I was bitter because no matter how many times I am successful during the day to keep him out of my thoughts and focus them on God, I fail over and over again at night because I can't keep him out of my dreams...Craig described bitterness as a "dangerous root" that if allowed to grow to deep, can produce a "poisonous fruit." Hebrews 12:15 says, "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." I don't want a root of bitterness toward him to develop and grow, so I have to kill it by forgiving him. It's not something that can just happen overnight, as most of you know, but I know it will eventually kill the bitterness that I have been denying. So, I promise to forgive you over and over again; each morning when I wake up, I will forgive you because I don't want to be bitter, and I don't want bitterness to turn into something much worse. I FORGIVE YOU...