Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Lord...I trust You

"I wonder how it must have felt when David stood to face Goliath on a hill?
I imagine that he shook with all his might,
Until You took his hand, and held on tight.
'Cause You were there...
You were there in the midst of danger's snare;
You were there, You were there always.
You were there when the hardest fight seemed so out of reach.
Oh, You were there, You were always there
So there he stood upon that hill-
Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill,
But God in all his sovereignty had bigger plans...
And just in time, You brought a lamb.
'Cause You were there, You were there in the midst of the unclear.
You were there, you were there always.
You were there when obedience seemed to not make sense.
You were there, You were always there.
So haven't I learned that my ways aren't as high as Yours?
And You alone keep the universe from crumbling into dust.
You are God, and though we would not have understood You,
There You were hanging blameless on a cross.
You would rather die than leave us in the dark.
Every moment, every planned coincidence just all makes sense.
With Your last breath You were there, You were there.
During history's darkest hour You were there, You were there always.
You were the Victor and the King;
You were the power in David's swing;
You were the calm in Abraham;
You are the God who understands;
You are the strength when we have none;
You are the living, Holy one;
You were, You are, and You will always be the Risen Lamb of God..."
-Echoing Angels, "You Were There"

I started my internship at the Little Lighthouse this past Monday. This internship is such a blessing, and God knew it would be exactly what I needed right now. If you don't know much about Little Lighthouse, you can learn more by visiting their website linked on my blog. It's a non-profit organization for children ages 1 - 6 with special needs and disabilities. They provide classroom and rehabilitation services for the children, and their curriculum is Christian based. I was being introduced to the rehab specialists (PTs, OTs, speech pathologists, audiologists, and vision consultants), and I met the vision consultant who travels yearly to Africa to work with special needs children over there. Of course we immediately had something to talk about! I told her all about Ghana and shared my passion with her, and she shared her stories and heart for missions with me as well. We could have talked all day, but my 'tour guide' was ready to move on. However, she asked if she could pray with me.....it brought me to tears. I sat with her and she placed her hands upon me and I know God was speaking to me through her prayer. I felt His presence so strongly in her tiny office while she was praying. I had awoken that morning, not wanting to start the week, but God calmed me in that little room. He reminded me that things would be OK. After she finished praying, she asked me if I believed the Spirit could fill people and allow them to see things that other people couldn't see? Well, I had never been asked that question, but I believe the Holy Spirit has the power to do anything. So, she told me she was unsure of what I was currently going through, but she saw a big angel hovering over me during her prayer....WOW! I had no idea what to say to her, so I just stood up and gave her a huge hug and thanked her. I felt so peaceful and strong after that. It's funny how God knows just what we need and exactly when we need it.....
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the LORD, 'and will bring you back from captivity."
-Jeremiah 29:11-13

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

One Thing

"Here I am in a river of questions...
Can I pour my heart out to a listening ear?
I see this life: Its valleys and mountains,
And I think of all the roads that brought me here.
I’ve questioned my reasons and the life I’m living.
I’ve questioned my ability to judge wrong from right.
I’ve questioned all the things that I’ve ever called certain:
My race, my religion, my country, my mind.
But the one thing I don’t question is YOU
You really love me like you say you do.
You really love me like you say you do
So, hold me...
Hold me...
I’ve questioned significance,
Meaning and relevance.
Does the work I’m doing really matter at all?
Well I’ve questioned my friendships: Alliance...dependence
Who will still be here when I fall?
Only one thing doesn’t change -
Only one thing stays the same -
But the one thing I don’t question is YOU.
You really love me like you say you do.
You really love me like you say you do.
So, hold me...
Hold me..."
-Paul Coleman Trio

Sunday, January 27, 2008

If You're Reading This...It's For You

"You turned my wailing into dancing;
You removed my sackcloth and
clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and
not be silent" (Psalm 30:11-12)
I feel like I have so much to say, but I can't seem to put it all together into words. I guess I'll preface this by saying that this past week was both one of the best and one of the worst weeks of my life. I celebrated my 23rd birthday on Thursday, but I almost forgot it amidst the sudden events that occurred right before Jan. 24th. Even though last Tuesday was probably the worst night of my life, Thursday ended up being one of the most amazing days! Jeanna, Jessica, and Lucy took me to get coffee, pedicures, and lunch to celebrate my birthday since I was with them in Kansas City. I don't think words could ever express how much that meant to me or how much I needed it. However, it wasn't just their simple acts of kindness, but their Godly wisdom and words of encouragement that kept me going when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. I'm so blessed to have Jeanna, Jessica, and Mrs. Tereasa to speak into my life, touch my heart, and provide support no matter the situation.
On the night of my birthday, after sitting through a night class and being unable to concentrate, I walked into my apartment to find streamers and balloons everywhere. My four best friends surprised me with a homemade cookie cake. It was so great for the five of us to hang out, because we hardly ever get to anymore. It was so fun catching up and reminiscing. I am so blessed to have such loving girlfriends.
This evening I just got back from visiting my family. It was good to be with them and be at home. They are so supportive and loving. My mom cooked some amazing meals and made a delicious red velvet cake for my birthday. I got some wonderful presents for my birthday from my family as well. The best thing I got, however, is a very nice coffee maker and bean grinder. I can't wait to set it up and program it to make a pot of coffee right before I wake up! My sweet aunt also treated me to coffee yesterday just to talk about things. She is such a strong woman of faith, and she was able to give me some words of wisdom that really touched my heart.
Everyone has been so supportive through all this, and I know God has spoken through each person I've talked to. I wish I could record everything everyone has said, but of course the words I heard most recently are the ones that are strongest on my heart right now. Yesterday, my aunt said something so simple; something I'm sure I've been told in one way or another by multiple people over the past week; but, for some reason, it finally became a realization when she spoke it to me. After telling her the whole story and getting off on several different subjects while drinking our Starbucks, she said, "If there's one single piece of advice I can give you it would be something I learned early on in my marriage: You cannot expect your boyfriend, fiance, or husband to be able to completely fulfill your emotional needs. The only person who can do that is God. I found that when I wasn't focused 100% on my walk with the Lord, I began to look to my husband to hold me and comfort me, and when he couldn't give me exactly what I needed, I began to doubt him and question our marriage. However, when I allow God to take priority over every aspect of my life, He is able to completely meet my emotional needs and I don't have to depend upon my husband to fulfill those needs."
That is the answer!!! When I found out Matthew was going to get to go to India and I wasn't, my emotions became more and more out of control from that point on. I was seeking God so strongly, but I was throwing all my emotions at Matthew. I expected him to take my emotions upon himself and make me feel better. He wasn't able to completely fulfill my needs, so I became more and more needy, and I didn't realize that I was slowly pushing him farther and farther away. Why did I expect him to be able to completely fulfill my emotional needs? Our hearts fought a battle as I needed him more and he became more detached. It took a broken relationship and my broken heart for me to realize I should have turned to God from the beginning. I'm so sorry........
Over the past 4 days, I have been in the car for a total of 16 hours. During that time I have done a lot of crying, thinking, praying, and worshipping. God has placed a desire and a need in my heart to be in His arms; to cry in His arms. Up until this point, I would run with my emotions and tears into the arms of the man I love to receive comfort. God had to take him away from me so that I would run only to HIS arms, and desire only HIS comforting. I have felt HIM holding me so many times over the past few days, and it gives me a peace and a comfort that the earthly man I love will never be able to give. And the amazing thing is....I don't expect him to be able to.
Matthew, I want you to know that I love you with all my heart, and I know you are the one. God has given me such a peace about it and He has told me to wait for you.....so, I will wait as long as it takes or until God tells me otherwise. And, please know that I will never expect you to fulfill my emotional needs...I have found someone who has taken that burden off of you because He desires for me to run to His arms for the peace and comfort I need.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I Will Praise You in this Storm

I was sure by now that You would have reached down
And wiped my tears away;
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining...
As the thunder rolls,
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain,"I'm with you."
And as Your mercy falls,
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.
I'll praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands -
For You are who You are, no matter where I am.
Every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand.
You never left my side...
And though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm.
I remember when I stumbled in the wind.
You heard my cry, You raised me up again.
My strength is almost gone...
How can I carry on if I can't find You?
As the thunder rolls,
I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you."
And as Your mercy falls,
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.
I lift my eyes unto the hills.
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord - The Maker of Heaven and Earth.
I'll praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands-
For You are who You are, no matter where I am.
Every tear I've cried, You hold in your hand.
You never left my side...
And though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm....
Praise You in this Storm - Casting Crowns

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

God Alone

I'm desperately wanting to just find a way.
I'm searching and seeking for someone to say,
"That it's all right And it’s okay."
Like I know you can.
That it’s all right and it’s okay like I know you can
You alone are God I am yours and you're mine.
And I know the heavens will call out your name if I don't I close my eyes.
And I'll drift away to a place I remember;
To a place I feel safe.
Where it’s all right, and it’s okay,
'Cause I’m there in your arms.
Where it's all right and it’s okay.
'Cause I’m there in your arms
You alone are God, I am yours and you're mine.
And I know the heavens will call out your name.
Yes, I know the heavens will call out your name.
You forgive me;
You accept me just as I am, and you love me.
And you want me to understand I’m yours, you are mine.
And I will worship you yeah.
You alone are God, I am yours and you're mine.
And I know the heavens will call out your name If I don’t.
You alone are God, I am yours and you're mine.
And I know the heavens will call out your name.
Yes I know the heavens will call out your name.
And with all the heavens, I worship you alone
You alone are God.
"You Alone" -Echoing Angels

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Rolling Emotions

Today was one of those days. You know, the ones where your feelings are up one minute and down the next like a roller coaster; the ones where you drink too much coffee and you're energized and alert one minute, and then the caffeine wears off (which is the next minute for me) causing you to crash drastically. I had a pretty good weekend all around. Matthew and I drove to Grove yesterday morning because he had 3 India appointments with some of his parents' friends. It was good to get off campus, even though we have only been here a week now. Initially, I just went with Matthew to keep him company in the car and I was just going to hang out with his parents while he went to his appointments. However, on trip there, he asked me if I would mind going with him to his appointments. I was a little surprised because I was unsure of the point of me accompanying him. I thought it would be weird for me to just sit there while he talked and gave his presentation, but I went anyway. And, actually, he told me that he felt more comfortable with me being there since he didn't know the people he was meeting with that well. That made me feel very special, so I didn't really care if it was weird. We visited 3 different, very nice couples, and Matthew did an outstanding job of sharing his passion for reaching the lost and why he chose India specifically. I was so proud of him for stepping a little out of his comfort zone and being able to convey all the important details so thoroughly! If he was the least bit nervous, you couldn't tell; well, except for the blotches on his neck that creeped up as he got to the part of the presentation where he would ask them for money. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that ever noticed the blotchiness, though, because I knew when to expect it. I'm not making fun of it because I think it's kind of cute. Anyway, I am so thankful and honored that he asked me to tag along for his appointments. It wasn't weird at all, and I enjoyed meeting everyone. I think it also helped me get more and more adjusted to the idea of him leaving, and I was able to share in his passion just listening to him. So, I've become really pumped and excited for Matthew going to India! It was an answer to my prayers because ever since I found out I couldn't go to India, my sadness about him going without me had overshadowed the passion I had once had for mission work in India, but God worked on my heart during those 3 appointments allowing me to break past the grief barrier and once again regain my passion and excitement for Matthew and the India team.
So, we spent the night in Grove and came back to Tulsa today. As I said earlier, my emotions were all over the place today. I feel like Matthew and I haven't spent 'quality' time together in a while. Now, I realize we have been together...obviously, I went to Grove with him, but anytime we're together and we're both constantly thinking about raising support(Matthew-India, Me-Ghana) then we're not focused on just each other. We can spend a whole day together (which hardly ever happens) and be doing this and that, both focused on all the things we have on our plates, and I don't consider that 'quality' time. To me, an hour together where we put aside all other thoughts that aren't about each other is more special than spending an entire day just doing our own thing side-by-side. I don't think he really grasps this concept. We try to take a little time out of our busy schedules each day for each other, but most of the time I don't even feel like we've been together because we were both so focused on the next thing we have to do. It makes me so sad because I want this semester to be so special for both of us since we'll be apart for 13 months. We have roughly 4 months left until I leave for Ghana and he leaves for India, and I want to make the best of those few months. Sometimes, I feel like it's not important to him, which makes me feel unimportant, but it means something to me. We are at such a strange place in our relationship right now, and it doesn't help that we have reached a huge transition period in our life at the same time. I just keep praying it gets better. I want spending time together before he leaves to be so important to Matthew, because I can't get past my irrational fear that he's going to forget about me while he's in India.....

Friday, January 18, 2008

God, This is YOURS....

So Many Questions, So Few Answers

I am so excited that I finally figured out how to put music on my blog. It took a lot of trial and error, but I got it eventually. Today is much better after my incredibly rough day yesterday. I never thought my last semester of college would be so spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically drainging. I have looked forward to this semester for five years, and now that it's here, I'm not so sure I want it anymore. Oh well, it is what it is. However, I have no classes on Fridays, which I am currently praising God for. My internship at Little Lighthouse hasn't started yet, so I'm using today to get stuff done and get back on track. I took my time working out this morning, which was nice because I am always limited on time when I work out. I talked to my mom for a long time and we're having some serious family issues right now. It's so hard for me to be here and unable to comfort my family, but I know the only thing I can do, and the most effective thing, is to pray. I just have to keep telling myself that I don't have to take on my family's burdens; I immediately take them to God and lay them at His feet, trusting Him to bring the peace. Speaking of peace, my heart is the farthest from being at peace right now. Why is it that when I feel most intimate with my Savior, all other aspects of my life seem to fall apart? I know a lot of it has to do with spirtual warfare and the intervention of the Enemy, but the closer I get to God, I think the more He wants me to see that I am nothing without His constant guidance in my life.
Why are we so stubborn as Believers that we have to be constantly reminded to give God complete control of every aspect of our life? One thing I have been strongly praying for recently is that God will reveal even the smallest areas of my life that I have subconciously not given to Him completely. If I had known how He would answer that prayer, I would have never prayed it. How could I have been so blind that I had fooled myself into thinking I had given God complete control of this specific area of my life? I had only given him co-control of this part of my life and it has taken me almost a year and a half to realize that I have been playing tug-of-war with God as far as this area of my life is concerned. I realize now that my relationship with the most amazing man in the world has been my security blanket. I'm almost 23 and I still sleep with a stuffed bear and a tickle-me-Elmo; what was God thinking when he was begging me to give Him complete control of my relationship? That relationship is the part of my life I am most afraid of losing. By trying to control it myself, I thought there would be no chance I would ever have to give it up. Turns out, I was wrong. As things about our relationship become more and more uncertain, instead of trusting God to make the next move, I tried to point it in the direction I wanted it to go. As a result, I put my whole heart into it and wrapped myself up in it and took away any 'co-control' God might have had. Why did I continue to cling to it and bring myself more pain when I could have just trusted God to take care of it? We have to let go of the things we hold most dear and take them to the Cross. We have to realize that laying the things we treasure at His feet doesn't mean He's going to take them away from us. He wants to take our security blankets so that He can become our sole security. He promises in Matthew 11:29-30, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." So, take it God....you can have it....I can't try to make things happen and make things better on my own....please, take my relationship and mold it to Your Will....I'm laying it at your feet....I'm sorry I didn't trust you to take complete control of it....Heal my aching heart.....
MATTHEW, I'm sorry, too...I realize it now...you gave our relationship to Him from the beginning, and I should have too, but I was so scared of losing you....I know this brought you a lot of pain and confusion as well, especially recently, and I"m sorry for that. I hope you understand and can forgive me....I'm not going to try anymore to make our relationship what "I" want it to be....I'm allowing God to take complete control of it - to do His will for us....OLIVE JUICE

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

My first post

So, I'm not really sure how this whole blog thing works, but I'm going to give it a try. Today has been a yucky day, and it's one of those days that makes me wish I could be curled up watching movies all day. Instead, it's the 3rd day of classes in my last semester of college. It's crazy to me to think how quickly college has gone by, and to think how much God has done in my heart and in my life in these last 5 years. In my quiet time this morning, God reminded me how amazing His grace is and how He continues to except us with arms opened wide even though we continue to stumble. As I thought about that, I remembered my phase of rebellion I had just a few years ago, and I bowed my head in humility. I praised Him for not only forgiving the failure of my faith but for completely forgetting it as well. Looking back, I am so grateful that He not only wrapped His arms around me when I came running back to Him, but He brought me to a height I had never experienced in my faith, and He pulled me into a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him.
"Then Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.'" Matthew 16:24-25