So Many Questions, So Few Answers

I am so excited that I finally figured out how to put music on my blog. It took a lot of trial and error, but I got it eventually. Today is much better after my incredibly rough day yesterday. I never thought my last semester of college would be so spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically drainging. I have looked forward to this semester for five years, and now that it's here, I'm not so sure I want it anymore. Oh well, it is what it is. However, I have no classes on Fridays, which I am currently praising God for. My internship at Little Lighthouse hasn't started yet, so I'm using today to get stuff done and get back on track. I took my time working out this morning, which was nice because I am always limited on time when I work out. I talked to my mom for a long time and we're having some serious family issues right now. It's so hard for me to be here and unable to comfort my family, but I know the only thing I can do, and the most effective thing, is to pray. I just have to keep telling myself that I don't have to take on my family's burdens; I immediately take them to God and lay them at His feet, trusting Him to bring the peace. Speaking of peace, my heart is the farthest from being at peace right now. Why is it that when I feel most intimate with my Savior, all other aspects of my life seem to fall apart? I know a lot of it has to do with spirtual warfare and the intervention of the Enemy, but the closer I get to God, I think the more He wants me to see that I am nothing without His constant guidance in my life.
Why are we so stubborn as Believers that we have to be constantly reminded to give God complete control of every aspect of our life? One thing I have been strongly praying for recently is that God will reveal even the smallest areas of my life that I have subconciously not given to Him completely. If I had known how He would answer that prayer, I would have never prayed it. How could I have been so blind that I had fooled myself into thinking I had given God complete control of this specific area of my life? I had only given him co-control of this part of my life and it has taken me almost a year and a half to realize that I have been playing tug-of-war with God as far as this area of my life is concerned. I realize now that my relationship with the most amazing man in the world has been my security blanket. I'm almost 23 and I still sleep with a stuffed bear and a tickle-me-Elmo; what was God thinking when he was begging me to give Him complete control of my relationship? That relationship is the part of my life I am most afraid of losing. By trying to control it myself, I thought there would be no chance I would ever have to give it up. Turns out, I was wrong. As things about our relationship become more and more uncertain, instead of trusting God to make the next move, I tried to point it in the direction I wanted it to go. As a result, I put my whole heart into it and wrapped myself up in it and took away any 'co-control' God might have had. Why did I continue to cling to it and bring myself more pain when I could have just trusted God to take care of it? We have to let go of the things we hold most dear and take them to the Cross. We have to realize that laying the things we treasure at His feet doesn't mean He's going to take them away from us. He wants to take our security blankets so that He can become our sole security. He promises in Matthew 11:29-30, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." So, take it God....you can have it....I can't try to make things happen and make things better on my own....please, take my relationship and mold it to Your Will....I'm laying it at your feet....I'm sorry I didn't trust you to take complete control of it....Heal my aching heart.....
MATTHEW, I'm sorry, too...I realize it now...you gave our relationship to Him from the beginning, and I should have too, but I was so scared of losing you....I know this brought you a lot of pain and confusion as well, especially recently, and I"m sorry for that. I hope you understand and can forgive me....I'm not going to try anymore to make our relationship what "I" want it to be....I'm allowing God to take complete control of it - to do His will for us....OLIVE JUICE