I LOVE MY KIDS!!

I definitely have my moments with my job where I don't like it or look forward to it at all. Some of those moments turn into several days or weeks in a row, but then God brings me a little moment to cherish where He reminds me, through my kids, why He has me coaching swimming to 7-12 yr olds at this point in my life. So, here are some examples of those little things which become constant reminders that my job is more than something that 'barely' pays the bills, it's a chance to forever leave an impact on a child's life...

1) Before each practice, I get my kids together for 15-30 minutes to do "Drylands." Now, if you have never been a swimmer, you probably don't know exactly what that word means. Well, for younger swimmers, it means warming up out of the water through running, calisthenics, abs, etc. But, the majority of the time, I just play games with my groups. So, one evening, I was taking my older group outside for dryland, and it was one of those crazy Charlotte weather days that starts warm and sunny, but ends cold and snowy (yes, that really happens here). We were playing basketball and the temperature had to drop at least 30 degrees in the course of 20 min, but the worst part was that it began to snow. Well, I told my kids we needed to go inside because, quite frankly, I was freezing! Of course they answered with whines and objections to ending their basketball game before it was time to. Despite all my efforts to stand firm, I just couldn't, and here's why - after I admitted to them that I wanted to go in because I was cold, all 20 or so of them ran and formed a circle around me, wrapped their arms around me and said, "Keep her warm! Keep her warm! Coach Laura Beth, if we warm you up, can we please stay out and play?" At that point, I didn't even care that I was surrounded by 25 sweaty, smelly kids; I was so caught up in the moment and they just melted my heart!

2) On a different occasion, I was outside with my younger group (7-10). This group has dryland after practice because of lack of lane space. So, back when it was really warm, I took them outside while they still had their suits on. Well, not long after we started playing, one of my little girls came to me and asked if she could go to the bathroom. We only had a few minutes left, so I asked her if she could hold it, and she said yes. We finished our dryland and I sent the kids back inside to get their stuff. As everyone got I up, I realized the little girl that had asked to used the bathroom was still sitting on the concrete. She looked up at me and said, "Um, Coach Laura Beth....I accidently went." She slowly stood up and where she had been sitting was a large wet spot. Ooops! I felt so bad, but I have to admit, it was pretty funny!

3) Just the other day, one of my kids returned to practice after being gone for a few weeks. His mom had informed me that he would be missing practice due to a minor surgery he was having. So, the day he came back to practice, he walked up to me and said very seriously, "Coach Laura Beth, I couldn't practice for a couple of weeks because I had my asteroids taken out." I paused for a minute and wondered if I had misunderstood him, but then I realized he had meant his "adenoids"! Kids say the darnest things!

4)I have been told on far too many occasions that I don't look much older than my kids. I know it's considered a compliment when someone thinks you are younger than you really are, but it's actually an insult when people can't pick me a part from kids who are no older than 12. And, it doesn't help when half of the 12 yr old boys in my group are the same height or taller than I am. One day at practice, I was talking to one of my girls and she said, "You know Coach Laura Beth - you don't even look like your 21...you look 17 or 18, but I'm saying that as a compliment!" I know she was trying to be sweet, but I said,"Well, thanks, but I'm actually not 21; I'm 24." And, of course, she didn't believe me...

5)At our end-of-the-season state champ meet last month, I wrote each of my kids a note of encouragement with a quote or Bible verse that I felt fit perfectly for the type of person they are. Little did I know, I would be getting a note of encouragement from one of my swimmers...it made my whole year. One of my older girls got me a thank you card that said, "I just wanted to thank you for helping me become a better swimmer and a stronger person. You are the best coach I have ever had because you make it a point to connect with each one of us; you push us to become faster, but you still let us have fun; you are my coach and my friend at the same time; and, the best part of all is that you are younger than all the other coaches!"

Little did I know that the same kids God placed in my life for me to impact would end up leaving a bigger impact on me...

Africa...After the Fact #1

Africa...After the Fact #2

Africa...After the Fact #3

Thank you God for teaching me lessons, despite my stubbornness

Wow! So, I'm really bad about this whole blog thing. I wish I made it a priority, especially during this time in my life because I'm growing so much, and God is teaching me far more than I ever thought possible. I think what I need to do is just put post-it notes everywhere to remind me to post on my blog every other day or so. It's not that I don't have anything to write about; I actually think I have too much to write about, and I have a hard time deciding what should be captured and recorded through writing and what just needs to stay deep in my personal thoughts. When I make the decision to actually sit down and type, I get too overwhelmed with what's going through my head, that I give up. It's a vicious cycle. Well, I'm going to write several posts because I know some things I want to write for sure, but I don't want to make one massive entry. So, I'll put it into several smaller ones. OK, here is one thing God has shown me in the last couple of months that needs to be written down so I don't ever forget it.

Due to the coercion of a couple of my friends, I have gone on a few dates since I moved here. It was fun to see and eat at different, new places around Charlotte, and I enjoyed getting to know the guys, but I have decided that when you reach your mid-twenties and you go on dates with guys around your age or older, the majority of them just try too hard. I just want to have fun and socialize; don't go ridiculously far out of your way to impress me, please - just be yourself! Here's an example to illustrate what I'm talking about; and, the reason I'm telling this story is because God taught me a very profound lesson through this guy. So, my friends introduced me to a guy who was a little older than I, and after a brief period of time, he asked me out to dinner. I figured it couldn't hurt, so I agreed. Everyday leading up to the night we went to dinner, he either called me or texted me to ask me how my day had gone and never failed to end the conversation by saying that he wished our date was that night; not 4 nights from then, or 3 nights, or 2 nights, etc. I didn't think that was that big of a deal; I just figured he was a very forward guy. So, the night comes, we go to dinner, and without going into too much detail, I enjoyed it but I knew I wasn't interested. So, the next day, he calls me and asks if I would like to go on a 2nd date...I told him I would be interested in hanging out as friends (honestly, he would have been a great friend and I was all for that) and he said OK. Well, I guess OK, didn't mean he got the picture. He kept calling and texting me. And, I don't mean once a day; I mean several times a day. It got to the point where I got too "busy" with work to do anything, and then I just flat out had to ignore him. Even, then, he didn't get the hint. I was at a loss; I didn't want to be mean, but I didn't know what else to do. My mom was visiting me during this time, and I remember asking her in frustration why he wouldn't leave me alone because he was truly annoying me. Well, she laughed at me and said, "Oh, I think this is great!" WHAT???!!! I couldn't believe it! I was so confused with her response. She said, "I think this is the perfect situation for you. God put this guy in your life to show and teach you something...." I wondered what in the world could this clingy guy possibly be revealing to me? Then she told me, and I realized she was exactly right. At one point in my recent past, I had been exactly like that guy: I was dependent, clingy, and unwaveringly anxious with the fear of losing the person God had blessed me with, and I pushed the person away, just like this guy freaked the hec out of me. Now, I know the situations aren't exactly the same but there's a good parallel between the two, and God opened my eyes so I won't make that mistake ever again! To end the story, the guy finally quit talking to me. I am a little bummed because I was interested in making a new friend, but that just goes to show that you can't become good friends with members of the opposite sex, espeically if there's one-sided attraction.

Another year to a close...several weeks ago

So, I had decided that one of my new year's resolutions would be to do a significantly better job of keeping up with my blog.....Didn't you hear the latest news? Today is the NEW New Year's Day! That's right. January 18 now marks the first day of the year 2009 (well, for me at least)!

I actually have really wanted to update my blog so many times since my last post, but my life has been a whirlwind since then. I kept on trying to make it a point to journal the newest thing God had taught me, my latest stories, or my most recent epiphany, but I always got caught up in something and never got around to it. Then, I had shoulder surgery, and well, typing was out of the picture. But now, thanks to everyone's prayers, I'm healing well and I'm counting down the days when I can hit the pavement (or trails) running and get back in the water, hopefully pain-free!

As I look back over this past year, I realize that this has been the single, most impactful year of my entire being. It's funny, when I reread my very first blog entry (which was around this time last year), it hit me that those first few entries marked the beginning of the year that only God knew would forever change me. One minute I had my whole life planned out and I couldn't have been happier; the next minute, I found myself standing in the middle of my upside down world attempting to pick up the pieces of my broken heart (a little melodramatic, I know; I've been reading the flowery writing of the Twilight series); but that's what it felt like. Then, in the short span of 5 months, my faith grew immensely and God lead me to Africa where He reiterated the fact that HIS PLAN IS WHAT IS BEST FOR ME (Jeremiah 29:11). And then, after 3 months of fully surrendering to Him and successfully existing outside of my comfort zone, I ended up here in Charlotte, NC, coaching age-group swimmers.

After I moved here, I figured that since I had faithfully endured 8 months of back-to-back life altering experiences, God would give me a little breather.....no sir! I am like a rubberband in God's hands: He stretched and stretched and stretched me until, to me, it felt like I could snap any second, but to Him, my weakest times are His chances to teach me the most. So, not long after I moved in with the family that so graciously took me in as one of their own, and began my full-time job, I started feeling the ill effects of the transition from college to "the real world." Unfortunately, no one really tells you what to expect during this transition phase of life, and I have a theory as to why that is: I think everyone I know that has experienced this period of their life had to enter into it with no knowledge of what it would be like either. So, since no one told them the struggles they would have to face, they feel like everyone after them should have to endure it with their blinders on as well. I think it's almost like a rite of passage or a fraternity initiation - you're not a true "brother" until you pass the entrance test into this "real world." Then, when you whine about how much you miss college (especially the breaks) to your co-workers, they say, "Welcome to the Real World," and give you a congratulatory pat on the back like you should be proud of it or something. I have been told that once or twice, but I don't really consider myself part of the real world yet because I still feel, look, and most of the time, act, like a kid. I actually have a story to confirm this fact: When we were having individual and team pictures made with SWIMMAC (the team I coach), all of us coaches had to get individual pictures made for our online bios. Well, a few weeks later at a staff meeting, we were given complimentary luggage tags with our individual pictures on the back of them (ahh, the perks of being a coach). As the last one was handed out, I realized I was the only one who didn't get one. So, I asked politely what had happened to mine. The photographer looked at me kind of funny and she said, "Well, my goodness; I thought you were one of the swimmers, so I threw your bag tag in the pile to be distributed to the kids..." Oh, that was simply hilarious. Let me tell you...

Unfortunately, I am still going through initiation into the real world, and I just pray each day that it will get easier. Despite that ongoing process, there have been many other adult things my eyes have been opened to in the past few months: I haven't been home since I moved here; I live on my own and I pay my own bills (my first rent bill was the scariest thing I've seen on paper since the Living Will I signed before I left for Africa); I had to stay strong and be a 'big sister' to the 3 kids who were like family to me when their oldest brother died in a tragic car accident over Thanksgiving; I had to allow myself to cry after I had held it in for over 2 months (to this day, I'm not quite sure why I couldn't cry); my relationship with my sister is the strongest I every dreamed it could be; I have questioned time and again if this is really where God wants me; I have stumbled in my walk with God and doubted His plans one day, but woke up the next day to an unquenchable thirst to dive deeper into His Word and to seek His heart more sincerely.

I have been through a lot in the few short months since I moved here, and I know there is much more to come. Some days are much harder than others, but I'm trusting in God's unfailing love and mercy as He reveals His plan for my life in the days, weeks, and months to come, and for my future...

Happy New Year! From now on (at least for this year), it is my resolution to update my blog more frequently....we'll see how that goes. Oh, and because Greg told me to say this....
GO STEELERS! BRING IT ON SUPERBOWL!

Let's Finish My Africa Lessons...

4) I learned to be flexible if things don't go the way I had planned
5) To view my long-distance runs as trials in life, and that giving up because I'm tired or dying from heat stroke is like giving up when life gets tough
6)I learned what it truly means to be a servant and what a servant heart looks like through God's eyes
7) HUMILITY
8) The importance of rest; not just physical rest, but spiritual rest in Christ, especially when my faith is being challenged
9) The importance of withdrawing to be by myself when I've been around people for too long
10) The importance of strong, Christian friends who will hold me accountable, encourage me, and pour into me
11) How to be a spiritual leader
12) How to love people by looking for the good in them and not dwelling on their faults or shortcomings
13) THE POWER OF PRAYER (quick story....) So, we travel to a village one night that is pretty darn deep in the African Bush. After dropping us off, our driver tries to move our bus and we realize that it's stuck in the mud. And, as he continues to spin his wheels, the mud holes get deeper and deeper. We spend 2 hours trying to get the bus out of the muck, using everything from rocks to palm leaves to random pieces of wood. Of course all the people in that village come to help us too. Finally, someone on our team brings up this great idea of praying about it! I mean, let's be serious, what Christian person spending 3 mos in Africa on a mission trip thinks of asking God for help before resorting to anything/anyone else in a tough situation? Ummm, hellllooooo? So, we step aside and pray as a team. No sooner had we gotten the word, "Amen," out of our mouths than our driver revs up the engine and flies right out of the holes we had spent 2 hours try to dig out of with just our hands. I think it's safe to say that God taught us all a very valuable lesson that night!
14) Spiritual warfare is very real and it does exist! I promise!
15) Satan will attack me even more forcefully the closer I get to God; this doesn't mean I'm failing in my faith or my walk with God, but that's what the Enemy wants us to think
16) I learned how refreshing it is to get up early, set aside actual time with God, and not just go through the motions of an obligatory quiet time
17) How to be content with the period of my life I'm in and where God has me for that time
18) To immediately turn to God instead of others when times get tough and I feel like I can't go on
19) TRUST HIM
20) I know I said I had 25 lessons, but as I'm reading over them in my journal, I realize I have duplicated a couple but used different wording. So, this is the last one:
GOD IS MOVING IN MIRACULOUS WAYS IN AFRICA!

You Know You're in Africa When....

-Every store, building, guest house, etc. has a religious title such as, "God is Good Car Parts"
-You see people chew and swallow whole pieces of chicken, including the bones
-You are greeted by each person you pass with one of the following greetings:
**"How are you?" **"Where are you going?" **"Can I have your address" **"You will be my wife!" **"You give me money to go to America!" **"ABRONI!" **"FOLLY!" **"AWKWAABA!" **"Give me a biscuit!" **"You are welcome!"
-You see goats, sheep, dogs, roosters and cats roaming everywhere
-Each "Baaaa" from a goat sounds completely different; like even the goats have different dialects
-You go to villages with no electricity and naked, starving children, but somehow everyone has a cell phone
-You go to a 'bathroom' that consists of a dirt, cement, or tile floor with no drainage system
-You get attacked by Oncho flies....they bite, you bleed immediately
-You eat soup with your hands
-You eat tuna and bean sandwiches
-You eat just beans for breakfast
-You see children breastfeeding way past the age they should have stopped
-You eat snails that when cooked, taste like a salty tire and are considered a delicacy
-Green oranges
-Machetes used as lawn mowers
-You smell burning trash....everywhere you go
-FANCHOCO
-You see straight men holding hands...that's what guy friends do, right?
-A trashcan is anywhere you want to put your trash
-You drink water out of plastic bags that you tear a hole in with your teeth
-Shell stations are a hot commodity for Americans
-You fear you stink because flies constantly swarm you, but there are actually just flies everywhere....on second thought-you're in Africa = You do stink
-You experience a 100% Muslim village asking Christian missionaries to build them a bigger mosque
-5 hour long church services
-You eat white yams that aren't sweet at all
-You leave a village and a swarm of kids chase your bus
-A Ghanaian demands that you leave him all your belongings when you leave
-You break 5 bunk beds in 1 week
-You eat pastries for all 3 meals in one day
-You try to learn the Ghanaian rhythm, but you will never quite get the way the women dance
-You see a woman slap her child and come forward to accept Christ all at the same time
-YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW A CHILD'S LANGUAGE TO SHOW THEM HOW MUCH THEY ARE LOVED

Lesson #3

DEFINITELY OUTSIDE OF MY COMFORT ZONE HERE!!
So, another thing God taught me while I was in Africa: It's OK if I don't have my whole day planned out to the minute because things will come up. I've learned not to be so anal and time/schedule-oriented. People commend me all the time for being so organized and always having things planned out far in advance, but you know what...that part of my personality has always been more of a burden to me. This goes right along with me being so routine oriented. I never liked being so stuck in my routine that I almost couldn't function if something came up and interrupted my daily routine. Well, I had to get over that pretty much as soon as I landed in Africa. Nothing was planned ahead of time, nothing was ever on schedule, and things were constantly changing. The whole time I was there, I kept on thinking about how I couldn't wait to get back to the states and get back into my routine, despite that fact that I knew I didn't like being the way I was. But, that was how I had been my whole life and that was what was comfortable for me. Little did I know that God didn't have it in His plans for me to fall back into my little routine when I got back from Africa. All along, He was preparing me for exactly what I'm going through right now in Charlotte. I was thrown in head first coaching 100 kids ages 12 and under without having any training or 'learning the ropes.' Yes, I have a lot of experience coaching swimming, but I have been out of the sport itself for 5 years, and unfortunately, swimming and rowing don't really complement each other. I didn't know my way around Charlotte AT ALL and most of you know how terrible I am with directions. Also, I had to borrow a car from some people on the team the first week I was here because I didn't have mine. Now, don't get me wrong, I was so grateful they loaned me their car, but the seat would not move forward b/c the gears were broken. It was set far enough back to seat a 6' person comfortably...So, not only did I keep getting lost, but I was sitting on the edge of the seat with my legs fully extended to reach the pedals. Anyway, without going into too much detail, I think it will suffice to say that my life is mass chaos right now. But....despite the fact that I still have yet to get into a set routine and I'm still getting used to having a real job, I'm OK with things being uncertain and I actually like it! I think God prepared me well for what I'm going through right now, and even though it made being in Africa really tough, I learned how to set my eyes upon Him especially when my world is in disarray.

2 Things Seen only in Ghana:
1)Women carrying a baby on their back, balancing a massive bowl of fruit or bread on their head, and maintaining perfect balance while dancing an African jig and not breaking rhythm
2) Showing the Jesus Film in a village on a portable TV running on a loud generator because, obviously, the villages have no electricity

GHANA VIDEO - CHECK IT OUT!

Go to this link. This is the short video and sadly you have to be on Facebook to see it. A longer one is coming later...
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=634543083462

Lesson #2

I know, I know; I should have posted this several days ago...I wish I wasn't so bad about posting on my blog. I just need to try to make a habit of it. Anyway, here's the 2nd thing God told me while I was in Africa: When He tells me to give my burdens to Him and allow Him complete control of every aspect of my life, He will always pull through with something far better than what I thought was best for me. In Proverbs 19:21, it says, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." It is funny how I can think back on so many circumstances throughout my life where God's plans have been completely different than mine and I fought and fought against Him because I thought my plans were best for me. However, His plans prevailed, and thank goodness they always do because only He knows what is best for me. For example, in my previous blog post, I mentioned how I thought it would be best for me to take the job in KC, but obviously, God had a better plan for me. Now that I have been in Charlotte coaching at MAC for 3 days now, He has done nothing but confirm my obedience to His call for me to come here. I absolutely love my job! This first week was definitely overwhelming because I flew into Charlotte early Wed. morning and I hit the ground running with my first practice on Wed afternoon. Despite being really scattered and a little stressed (OK maybe more than just a little stressed) with my first few days of practices, I immediately fell in love with my kids! I coach 2 different groups of kids, and between the groups, I have close to 100 kids (ages 7-12). I am living with a family who also swims for MAC, and I don't think God could have put me with a more amazing family! They are awesome Christians; they live right on the lake; they have 4 wonderful kids (1 is away at college); the mom and I have so much in common and she's just as active as I am; they are really involved in their church and missions. The father travels to India several times a year because he is actually training a an Indian pastor in hopes that he will be able to start a church where he lives. I could go on and on about what a blessing it has been to have them in my life. They have welcomed me in from day 1 as part of the family! God has also blessed me with a solid group of Christian co-workers, and a lot of the parents of my swimmers are as well. Each blessing is a constant reminder that God's plans are always far better than the plans of my heart.

"2 things only seen or done in Ghana:"
1) Open breast feeding...with no shame - women would just feed their babies with no covering anytime, anywhere, even on the front row at church. This was really hard for the guys on our team to get used to. Especially, when it happened during church services, right in the middle of their message.
2) Roosters crowing...constantly - each morning, I woke up at 5:30 to the sounds of multiple roosters crowing outside my window. But, they didn't just crow as the sun was coming up, they would crow without ceasing at all hours of the day. Maybe that's how often we should be praying...

So....Africa?

Just in case there are still some people who are unsure as to whether I made it safely back from Africa or not, no need to worry; I did make it back to the states. Africa was absolutely amazing! I wish I could have blogged while I was there, but I was actually only able to access the internet 3 times the entire duration of my trip. However, I did make myself journal every day, and I am so glad I did! God taught me so many things and changed me in so many ways this summer, and I was able to put my thoughts and the feelings of my journey into writing so I will always be able to look back and remember exactly what He showed me. I have so many stories, but I don't even know where to begin. Well, I'll start with this: I made 2 different lists on the last few pages of my journal. My first list consists of "Things only seen or done in Ghana!" When you travel for 28 hours straight, you have a lot of time to think about stuff like that... My other list, which I treasure deeply, consists of the 25 lessons God taught me while I was in Africa. So I'm going to share those lessons one at a time, and then I'll give a few items off the other list just for kicks (there are a lot of 'things only seen or done in Ghana').

The first thing I wrote down that God taught me was by far the most important and most meaningful. OK, I have to preface it with a little reminder of my personality before I went to Africa. If you know me well, you know that I am very Type A. I like to have things planned out at least 2 wks in advance; I have to know what the next day will look like before I go to bed at night. I am most comfortable when I have a set schedule and a routine. Yada yada yada.... In other words, I don't like stepping outside of my comfort zone. So, God sends me to Ghana where there is no schedule, everyone just goes with the flow, they have no sense of time, hygiene is overrated; we never knew what we were going to be doing from one minute to the next. After about 3 days in that culture, I truly questioned whether or not I could make it for 10 wks. To be completely honest, I had a really tough time getting acclimated to the culture the first few weeks I was there. There were times when all I wanted to do was hop on a plane and head back to the US, but when you're in the middle of the African 'bush', there's nowhere to escape but just deeper in the bush. I quickly realized that that was exactly where God wanted me. I was completely outside of my comfort zone the entire time I was in Africa, but because I was there, my heart was wide open to allow God to take it and mold it as He pleased. There was no one else to turn to. I couldn't leave; at first I couldn't talk to my teammates about it because I was the oldest person on the team and I thought I was the only one who felt so helpless (it didn't take too long to realize I wasn't the only one struggling); I couldn't really consult my mom; I couldn't call my friends; BUT, God was right there beside me, reaching out His hand. So, in that first week or so, I turned my summer completely over to Him, and I set all other distractions aside so I could become fully dependent upon Him. See, when we become so comfortable with our lives here on Earth - we have our set routines, our jobs, our families, our friends, and we just continue to go through the motions - we also become comfortable in our faith; and, when we are comfortable in our faith, we can't have an increasing desire to become more intimate with our Father, and our heart can't be fully open to the things He needs to teach us. However, when we put ourselves in situations outside of our comfort zone where we HAVE to be fully dependent upon God, that is when we are most vulnerable to spiritual growth and greater intimacy with Christ. That is where God calls us to be; that is where His hand is; that is where we can know what it means to wholeheartedly desire Him.

I was outside of my comfort zone for 10 weeks and it was during that time that my heart was fully open to the 25 major things God needed to reveal to me and He totally changed my life! Think back to the last time God taught you something crucial... How long did it take you to finally 'get it'? As I look back over the last decade of my life, I can recall some lessons God was trying to get me to learn for years. And, I don't even know if I could think of 25 different things God has taught me over the last 10 years. But this summer, in the middle of Africa, far away from home, WAAAAY outside my comfort zone, God was able to teach me in 10 WEEKS far more than I was open to learning in the past 10 YEARS! He is so persistent and compassionate despite our stubbornness and desire to be independent. So, with all that said - I want to live outside of my comfort zone; I want to put myself in situations where I have to become fully dependent upon my Savior; I want to fully desire a deeper intimacy with Him; I want to be changed daily....

If you're a song lyrics fanatic like myself, maybe this verse from the Casting Crowns song "Voice of Truth" will paint a better picture of the point I'm trying to convey: "Oh, what I would do to have the kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in and onto the crashing waves. To step out of my comfort zone, into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is, And He's holding out His hand..."

Lastly, 2 things only seen or done in Ghana:
1)Bucket showers - there's no running water so you take your bucket to the well outside, fill it up, grab a little scooper, go to the bathroom, and shower!
2)Pouring water into the back of a toilet to flush it - there's no running water so you get water from the well and fill up the back of the toilet with enough water to flush it. However, when you share 1 bathroom with 12 other people, you don't want to waste the well water, so we have this slogan...."if it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down." Simple, right?

Some lessons are better learned the hard way

Wow! My life has been such a whirlwind from graduation earlier this month until now; and, it's not going to let up until August, I'm sure. I leave for Ghana exactly 1 week from today! I am so excited I can't handle it! I know for certain that God is going to reveal His glory in a mighty way to the people we will meet, and He has some life-changing experiences and amazing challenges/lessons planned for my heart while I'm there as well. I know this because I have been battling some crazy spiritual warfare for the past two weeks. Daily, it seems like the stronger I try to pursue my Father, the harder Satan tries to pull me away. He attempts to distract me by throwing forks in the road of my preparations to leave; he sends fear and doubt my direction about my ability to lead my team, even though I know God handpicked me to be the team coordinator; lastly, Satan has been fighting with his strongest 'weapons' against the area of my heart where I'm most vulnerable right now - the area that is still in the healing process; the area that still contains deep love for the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with... Isn't that so characteristic of a cowardly fighter? He knows his weapons are powerless against me because I'm filled with God's mighty strength, but due to his cowardliness, Satan fights the strongest where I'm the weakest...
Two weeks ago, Matthew and I saw each other for the last time before I leave for Africa and he leaves for India. We talked for 3 hours and by the time it was over, God had revealed some things to us about each other and about our relationship that we had been blind to the entire year and a half we dated. It was no coincidence that the night began with our friend's wedding. Somehow God used me being a bridesmaid in this wedding to show me His pure and true intentions for the marriage of two of His children. I have been to too many weddings to count, but for some reason, I never truly saw marriage through my Father's eyes until this one. Maybe it was because at this wedding I was right beside the preacher, bride, and groom and I had to stare at them throughout the whole ceremony. Who knows? Despite where I was standing, God wanted me to have that revelation because He knew what would transpire that evening between Matthew and I.
Without going into too much detail, we realized that our relationship had not started off centered around God. At the time, we were both seeking our identities in Christ and our foundations were still a bit shaky. Even though God changed our hearts drastically while we were together, our relationship was never as God-centered as it should have been. We were so immature in our faith and as individuals, and more often than not, we allowed our feelings for each other to control the path of our relationship. As a result of this, it ended with a rough break-up, and our discernment continued to be cloudy even after that. It took us both 2 months of strong spiritual maturing to realize in one night how God views marriage and that we had come so close to jumping into it without truly knowing what it meant and without fully seeking and seeing clearly God's will for us. After that conversation, my heart kind of broke all over again, but the pain I felt wasn't the same pain I had felt after we broke up. This pain was kind of like a growing pain because God had revealed so much to me in 3 short hours.
It was so hard and it still is. It's a lesson I needed to learn; I just learned it the hard way. I still love Matthew. Love for someone is not something you can just throw to the side. In a way, it never truly goes away; it just gets overtaken by a stronger love and passion for God, and that's something I think I am finally getting. I am finally loosening my grip on the love for Matthew I was holding onto and giving it over completely to God. It's still a slow process and I feel so weak, but God wraps His arms around me and increases my strength daily. Praise Him! I am still battling with Satan in that area because I miss Matthew and I still think about him a lot, but the harder I pursue God, the stronger He enables me to fight!
I know that as soon as I get to Ghana, the process will go even faster, but until then time seems to creep by. God has so much in store for Matthew and I while we are pursuing God's purpose overseas, and I am certain we will come back as two totally different people. I know we will meet again, and neither of us know for sure that God won't bring us back together because that's SOLELY up to Him; but, when we do see each other again, whether it's for forever or just as friends, I know we will both have grown and matured so much. No matter what happens, I have learned that God has a hand in EVERY little thing, whether we view it as something easy or extremely tough. Even though my journey with Matthew was one of the hardest things I have ever been through and I learned a lot of lessons the hard way, I would do it all over in a heartbeat because I know now that God's plan is bigger and far better than any plan I could ever have; but, most importantly, my passion for God became stronger as a result of the journey! In the words of the Rascal Flatts song, "Here:"

"And I wouldn't change a thing

I'd walk right back through the rain.

Back to every broken heart on the day that it was breakin'

And I'd retrieve all the years

And be thankful for the tears

I've cried with every stumbled step

That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through

To get me where it got me in those moments spent with you

And it passed me by God knows how many times

I was so caught up in holding what I never thought I'd find..."

I belong to YOU

So, I realize it's been forever since I've written anything. A lot has happened in my life since the last time I posted something. Simply put, I've done a lot of "reflecting" on my life. I tried to sit down and post my latest thoughts so many times, but once I tried to gather those thoughts and put them into words, they just became too overwhelming. For starters, I never thought I would find myself, two weeks before graduation, unaware of my career path or where I would settle first. The only thing I am certain of right now is that I'm leaving for Africa in a month & a half to glorify God by reaching out to the lost and to become a total piece of clay, which I'm praying God will be able to mold into the woman He wants me to be. I have total faith and trust in God that He will show me the journey in which He wants me to embark, but time and again I find myself wanting to take matters into my own hands and create my own journey. However, as soon as I start paving my own road, God places a roadblock directly in front of me which causes me to turn back around, face Him, and realize that He knows what's best. For my entire life, I have always planned ahead...I plan my weekends two weeks in advance; I plan my entire day before I go to bed at night; I start studying for exams several days in advance; I make "To Do" lists probably everyday and I love crossing items off; I know exactly how long it takes me to get ready to go somewhere and I am almost never late; I have yet to find a day planner that is too big for me to cram my day into; one of the worst things I do is plan what I'm going to eat for breakfast the night before, at breakfast I plan what I'm going to eat for lunch, and you guessed it, at lunch I plan what I'm going to eat for dinner. Most people would say that being a planner is a good characteristic to have, but for me, it's an obsession. The reason why I brought this up is because I think God has been trying to break me of this obesession this entire semester. At the end of December, I thought I knew for certain the man I was supposed to marry, where I was going to live when I got back from Africa, and I was pretty certain I had a job that would be waiting for me when I returned. By the end of January, all of those "certainties" had become quite uncertain, and I could have freaked (not gonna lie, I did for a little while), but God spoke to me, reminding me and promising me that HE was the only certainty I truly needed. Everything else would come together in time, I just needed to trust Him and know that His plans were perfect. I desire to trust Him with all my heart and to drop all my burdens at His feet, but I find myself time and again releasing my worries to Him just to take them back again. Why is it that I continue to try to regain control of my life when my past experiences are proof that all I do is fall on my face under the weight of the desire to be in control? I don't want to be in control of my future because I know I can only see God's Will when I allow him to take the wheel. Here are some lyrics to a song that really spoke to me today by Storyside: B called, "Be Still":

"I remember all the times: the good times and the bad

I'm still holding on to You

Some days I wanna run, sometimes I come undone,

but I still belong to You

Thats how I know that when I feel like caving in,

My heart my soul is wearing thin; I just want to give up...

Nothing seems at all to add up

Can you hear me Lord?

My face is down upon the floor, its then you whisper in my ear,

'Be still and know I'm here...'

I see a side of you my friend - the same struggles that I have

My heart goes out to you!

I know its hard to feel alone, and this world's so unforgiving

I've been feeling that way too but I can tell you...

Is that you? Is this me?

It's sometimes hard to believe that I am not alone

It's not just you and not just me

We all need to believe that we are not alone...

Thats how I know that when I feel like caving in,

My heart my soul is wearing thin; I just want to give up

Nothing seems at all to add up

Can you hear me Lord?

My face is down upon the floor, it's then you whisper in my ear,

'Be still and know I'm here...' "

I Wouldn't Trade It...

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.
Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him...

Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men. "

-Lamentations 3:22-28, 32-33

I have so much to say, but I have no idea where to start. As I look back over the past 5 weeks, and I'm sure as you read over the past 5 weeks, I can say that they have been the worst and best 5 weeks of my life. I have never experienced pain as I experienced, and still do to some degree, but I also have never experienced God as I have been lately. I have witnessed so many amazing things in which I have seen God's hand so clearly play a part. I experienced first hand just this past week how loud God's voice can actually get when He needs you to obey immediately, and why His timing is always perfect. I cried tears of joy for the first time in a long time this past week when He allowed me to see a glimpse of His timing at work as He confirmed and affirmed my obedience to Him. I started my Bible study with the crew girls this past week and it was amazing. We are reading Becoming a Woman of Excellence by Cynthia Heald, and I can already tell that God has some amazing things in store for us through this study. I love the girls so much, and I love the insight they are able to provide on what we are studying; and it is amazing to see how God is and will be working in their lives as well. So, once again, thinking back over the past 5 weeks, even though there were times I wished God would take me away from this world, if I were given the choice to go back....I would choose to do it all over again; I wouldn't trade it for anything. I desire to spend time with God every minute of each day because He has brought me so incredibly close to Him and His heart through all this. Words just can't describe how He has changed my heart. NO, I would never trade the love I have been feeling from God and for Him for the absence of the pain of a shattered heart. I still have so much growing to do and so many things to work on...I know this period is not in any way over, and I'm certain it never will be because I want to continue growing closer to Him in the dramatic way that I have been throughout these past 5 weeks. God is so good! Before I end this post, I just want to say that Matthew and I finally talked last night face to face....a real talk. The things that were said are positive things and they shed a different light on things, but I am choosing to remain cautiously optimistic. Simply said, God showed me a glimpse of a light at the end of the tunnel. But, that's just it....a light at the END of the tunnel; I'm not going to let myself rush through the tunnel to get to the light. I'm certain God will bring me there when He believes I'm ready, but in the meantime, I will consider to pursue Him as I have been, as if nothing has changed...

"because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

James 1:3-4

Bitterness as a Root

Today has been a good day to conclude a really good weekend. I am anxiously awaiting the start of a "Big Mammaz" intramural basketball game at 9:30 and I just finished an intramural soccer game, which was also for "Big Mammaz." We didn't win the soccer game, but no worries...we will dominate our basketball game. The intramural field is completely torn up. It has been raining here for 2 days straight, and so we were falling and slipping right and left on the muddy field. But, it was tons of fun; cold, but fun! I woke up Friday with a sinus infection. I wasn't able to get in to see the doctor until tomorrow, but I am actually glad my 5-week long cold turned into an infection because now I can actually treat it with real medicine, and hopefully, that will be the end of it. Friday night I worked and then just chilled in my apartment because I didn't feel that well and I was really tired. But, last night was amazing!! I went out with some friends, people that I don't normally hang out with but after last night definitely want to again. We went to Lifechurch, then Starbucks, then the dollar theater to see Enchanted, which was so good, and then we went to IHOP for a really late dinner. I know what you're thinking....what did you eat at IHOP that your stomach could handle? Well, I had an egg sandwich and some fruit, and it wasn't bad. However, that was a 9:30 dinner, and with my stomach disorder, I just can't eat that late. So, I paid for it when I got back to my apartment with a really bad stomach ache. However, it was completely worth it because I had such an amazing time!!! I love getting to know people, laughing, and talking about faith and life. Oh, what a fun night! Anyway, God really spoke to me last night during Craig's sermon at Lifechurch. The new series is titled, Hostage, and the topic last night was "Bitterness." If you missed it last night, or you don't go to Life, I would thoroughly recommend listening to it online. I have a link to Life's website down and to the right a bit. Well, ever since my life and future plans were jerked out from under me, or so I thought, I kept telling myself that I wasn't bitter or angry with Matthew. I knew that I loved him so much, that no matter how much it hurt me and how greatly my heart was broken, I wanted him to do what he felt was right. It was so easy to think this way at first, and so easy to tell people that I wasn't mad at him despite what I was going through. However, as time passed, my heart began to change and I began to feel things other than pain. I began to realize that I was angry with him. Everytime something reminded me of him, I would still feel that initial sadness and longing, but then those old feelings would be followed by new feelings of bitterness. I kept denying that I was bitter, and I denied it so much that it wasn't even something I prayed about. I was still only praying that God would comfort me and take the pain away. But then, last night, it hit me at church - I finally realized that I was bitter because of what Matthew had done. I was bitter because I had opened the door for him to talk to me, and he still hasn't chosen to even after 4 weeks. I was bitter because I felt he had no compassion whatsoever for my feelings. I was bitter because he showed up at the fitness center the other day to workout wearing my shirt. I was bitter because no matter how many times I am successful during the day to keep him out of my thoughts and focus them on God, I fail over and over again at night because I can't keep him out of my dreams...Craig described bitterness as a "dangerous root" that if allowed to grow to deep, can produce a "poisonous fruit." Hebrews 12:15 says, "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." I don't want a root of bitterness toward him to develop and grow, so I have to kill it by forgiving him. It's not something that can just happen overnight, as most of you know, but I know it will eventually kill the bitterness that I have been denying. So, I promise to forgive you over and over again; each morning when I wake up, I will forgive you because I don't want to be bitter, and I don't want bitterness to turn into something much worse. I FORGIVE YOU...

Valentine's Day?

So, of course, today is Valentine's Day. I had PT at 7:30 this morning, then I worked out, went to class, and now I'm at work until right before my night class at 6:00. I'm still fighting this ridiculous chain of monstrous colds. I have been sick now for almost a month, and I'm wondering if it will ever get better. Yes, I have been to the doctor and he pretty much told me there was nothing he could do because I just had continuous symptoms of the common cold. Oh well, I've decided that when you go through severe emotional trauma, your immune system gets depressed, and well, that's what I'm dealing with I guess. So, I was working at the coffee shop and I saw a girl come in and sit in one of the chairs for a while. I could tell she was waiting on someone because she didn't order a drink and she wasn't studying or anything. A little while later, a guy walks in with a Gladware box of what seemed to be homemade cookies and two red roses. The girl immediately jumped up as she saw him and ran into his arms with a giddy little giggle. It was so sweet and sad at the same time. I would love just one single rose for Valentine's Day. Oh well. I did, however, get a huge package from my mom for Valentine's Day. I was so excited!! I got several bags of coffee for my new coffee maker, some chocolate, some cookie cutters and sprinkles to make cookies, and a couple of other things. I thought today was going to be really tough, but I have a couple of amazing friends who are praying for me today, and I know their prayers have helped me get through. So, all in all, it hasn't really been that bad. I'm reading this awesome book by John Eldridge called Desire and God has really been speaking to me through it. It has been encouraging because I had decided that I don't ever want to fall in love again, or at least not for a long time, but he speaks on the importance of not burying our desires. For as long as I can remember, a strong desire of mine has been to marry the man of my dreams, to love him unconditionally, and for us to grow as one spiritually with God at the forefront of our life together. God made my heart with that desire and for me to bury it and pretend I was never passionate about it would be an insult to Him. The desires of our heart come directly from God. He brings us closer to Him through those desires. To flee from them would be to cut off that connection we have with our Father....

I Think I'm Finally Getting It....

So, today was a really good day. It was beautiful outside. I'm still pretty sick, but I was able to workout a little and that felt good. I made lots and lots of follow-up phone calls for my Ghana support raising. God is amazing!! I left a lot of messages, but the people that I was able to catch were so excited and I could tell God had allowed them to share in my passion for Africa. I had a handful of people commit to supporting me financially today, and I still have so many people to talk to and so many more letters to send out. I have been praying so hard for the people I am sending letters to and I know God is speaking to their hearts. Another reason I'm happy is because I went out for dinner and coffee with a group of friends last night that I hadn't hung out with in quite a while. I had so much fun and I laughed so hard that my abs were sore today. I needed that so much. I can' t remember the last time I laughed that hard; I had actually almost forgotten how much I love to laugh. One of my friends that came along snorts when she laughs...well, it makes me laugh even harder, and then she laughs and snorts louder...needless to say, I'm sure that restaurant was ready for us to leave!

After a couple of rough nights last week, I went to Borders and browsed the Christian book section. I found two books that I think will be so helpful for me right now. I have already almost finished one of them, and I want to share some of the things the author said that really spoke to my heart. The book is called Why by Anne Graham Lotz, and it's about trusting God in circumstances that you don't seem to understand. There are many quotes throughout the book, but one of them touched my heart so deeply that it has been my prayer each morning to remind me that I've given my concerns to Him and I'm trusting completely that His hand is in everything that has been happening lately:

"I lay my 'whys?' before Your Cross in worship kneeling,

my mind beyond all hope,

my heart beyond all feeling;

and worshipping, realize that I,

in knowing You,

don't need a 'why?'"

(Ruth Bell Graham).

God also spoke to me in something the author said, "God has given you a platform of suffering from which you can be a witness of His power and grace to those who are watching. Because, if we always feel good, and look good, and lead a good life...if our kids always behave, and our boss is always pleased, and our home is always orderly, and our friends are always available, and our bank account is always sufficient, and our car always starts, and our body always feels good...if we are patient, and kind, and thoughtful, and happy, and loving, others shrug - because they're capable of being that way too, when everything goes right. On the other hand...if we have a splitting headache, the kids are screaming, the phone is ringing, the boss is yelling, and the supper is burning, yet we are still patient, kind, thoughtful, happy, and loving...the world sits up and takes notice. The world knows that kind of behavior is not natural. It's supernatural. And the glory of Jesus is revealed in us!" Anyway, God has taught me so much through this book and I have been so at peace lately. Like I said earlier, I had a couple of tough days last week, but one thing that gave so much strength was a letter a friend wrote to me. It was so encouraging, and it reminded me of the strong woman of God that I seek to be. He also quoted Isaiah 40:31 at the end of the letter, and that verse gave me so much strength:

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint."

God is daily renewing my strength as He is drawing me closer to Him, and my heart yearns so much for time to be solely with Him. My room mates were gone to a race yesterday and today. So, I was alone and I popped in the new Jeremy Riddle CD that I just purchased, and I cranked up the volume and had the most amazing God time ever! I'll end with the words to this song on his CD Full Attention:

"May Your voice be louder

May Your voice be clearer than all the others,

than all the others
May Your face be dearer

May Your words be sweeter than all the others

Than all the others in my life
Please keep my eyes fixed on You

Please root my heart so deep in You

Keep me abiding that I

Oh, that I might bear fruit
May Your presence be truer

May Your presence be nearer than all the others,

than all the others
May Your light burn brighter

May Your love go deeper than all the others

Than all the others in my life"

Trust

"I won't pretend to know what you're thinking.

I can't begin to know what you're going through.

I won't deny the pain that you're feeling,

But I'm gonna try and give a little hope to you...

Just remember what I've told you:

There's so much you're living for.

There's a light at the end of this tunnel.

There's a light at the end of this tunnel.

For you, for you.

There's a light at the end of this tunnel.

Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel.

For you, for you!

So keep holdin' on.

You've got your disappointments and sorrows.

You ought to share the weight of that load with me,

Then you will find that the light of tomorrow

Brings a new life for your eyes to see...

So remember what I've told you:

There's so much you're living for.

There's a light at the end of this tunnel.

There's a light at the end of this tunnel.

For you, for you.

There's a light at the end of this tunnel.

Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel.

For you, for you.

So keep holdin' on ..."

~Tunnel THIRD DAY

Sweetly Broken

"To the cross I look.

To the cross I cling.

Of it's suffering, I do drink.

Of it's work, I do sing.

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed

Showed that God is love,

And God is just...

At the cross You beckon me.

You draw me gently to my knees,

And I am lost for words, so lost in love.

I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.

What a priceless gift:

Undeserved life, have I been given

Through Christ crucified.

You’ve called me out of death.

You’ve called me into life.

And I was under Your wrath,

Now, through the cross I’m reconciled.

At the cross You beckon me.

You draw me gently to my knees,

And I am lost for words, so lost in love.

I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.

In awe of the cross I must confess:

How wondrous Your redeeming love

And how great is Your faithfulness...

At the cross You beckon me.

You draw me gently to my knees,

And I am lost for words, so lost in love.

I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered...

~Jeremy Riddle