Two weeks ago, Matthew and I saw each other for the last time before I leave for Africa and he leaves for India. We talked for 3 hours and by the time it was over, God had revealed some things to us about each other and about our relationship that we had been blind to the entire year and a half we dated. It was no coincidence that the night began with our friend's wedding. Somehow God used me being a bridesmaid in this wedding to show me His pure and true intentions for the marriage of two of His children. I have been to too many weddings to count, but for some reason, I never truly saw marriage through my Father's eyes until this one. Maybe it was because at this wedding I was right beside the preacher, bride, and groom and I had to stare at them throughout the whole ceremony. Who knows? Despite where I was standing, God wanted me to have that revelation because He knew what would transpire that evening between Matthew and I.
Without going into too much detail, we realized that our relationship had not started off centered around God. At the time, we were both seeking our identities in Christ and our foundations were still a bit shaky. Even though God changed our hearts drastically while we were together, our relationship was never as God-centered as it should have been. We were so immature in our faith and as individuals, and more often than not, we allowed our feelings for each other to control the path of our relationship. As a result of this, it ended with a rough break-up, and our discernment continued to be cloudy even after that. It took us both 2 months of strong spiritual maturing to realize in one night how God views marriage and that we had come so close to jumping into it without truly knowing what it meant and without fully seeking and seeing clearly God's will for us. After that conversation, my heart kind of broke all over again, but the pain I felt wasn't the same pain I had felt after we broke up. This pain was kind of like a growing pain because God had revealed so much to me in 3 short hours.
It was so hard and it still is. It's a lesson I needed to learn; I just learned it the hard way. I still love Matthew. Love for someone is not something you can just throw to the side. In a way, it never truly goes away; it just gets overtaken by a stronger love and passion for God, and that's something I think I am finally getting. I am finally loosening my grip on the love for Matthew I was holding onto and giving it over completely to God. It's still a slow process and I feel so weak, but God wraps His arms around me and increases my strength daily. Praise Him! I am still battling with Satan in that area because I miss Matthew and I still think about him a lot, but the harder I pursue God, the stronger He enables me to fight!
I know that as soon as I get to Ghana, the process will go even faster, but until then time seems to creep by. God has so much in store for Matthew and I while we are pursuing God's purpose overseas, and I am certain we will come back as two totally different people. I know we will meet again, and neither of us know for sure that God won't bring us back together because that's SOLELY up to Him; but, when we do see each other again, whether it's for forever or just as friends, I know we will both have grown and matured so much. No matter what happens, I have learned that God has a hand in EVERY little thing, whether we view it as something easy or extremely tough. Even though my journey with Matthew was one of the hardest things I have ever been through and I learned a lot of lessons the hard way, I would do it all over in a heartbeat because I know now that God's plan is bigger and far better than any plan I could ever have; but, most importantly, my passion for God became stronger as a result of the journey! In the words of the Rascal Flatts song, "Here:"
"And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain.
Back to every broken heart on the day that it was breakin'
And I'd retrieve all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me in those moments spent with you
And it passed me by God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding what I never thought I'd find..."
