Reflections of My Life: April 2008

So, I realize it's been forever since I've written anything. A lot has happened in my life since the last time I posted something. Simply put, I've done a lot of "reflecting" on my life. I tried to sit down and post my latest thoughts so many times, but once I tried to gather those thoughts and put them into words, they just became too overwhelming. For starters, I never thought I would find myself, two weeks before graduation, unaware of my career path or where I would settle first. The only thing I am certain of right now is that I'm leaving for Africa in a month & a half to glorify God by reaching out to the lost and to become a total piece of clay, which I'm praying God will be able to mold into the woman He wants me to be. I have total faith and trust in God that He will show me the journey in which He wants me to embark, but time and again I find myself wanting to take matters into my own hands and create my own journey. However, as soon as I start paving my own road, God places a roadblock directly in front of me which causes me to turn back around, face Him, and realize that He knows what's best. For my entire life, I have always planned ahead...I plan my weekends two weeks in advance; I plan my entire day before I go to bed at night; I start studying for exams several days in advance; I make "To Do" lists probably everyday and I love crossing items off; I know exactly how long it takes me to get ready to go somewhere and I am almost never late; I have yet to find a day planner that is too big for me to cram my day into; one of the worst things I do is plan what I'm going to eat for breakfast the night before, at breakfast I plan what I'm going to eat for lunch, and you guessed it, at lunch I plan what I'm going to eat for dinner. Most people would say that being a planner is a good characteristic to have, but for me, it's an obsession. The reason why I brought this up is because I think God has been trying to break me of this obesession this entire semester. At the end of December, I thought I knew for certain the man I was supposed to marry, where I was going to live when I got back from Africa, and I was pretty certain I had a job that would be waiting for me when I returned. By the end of January, all of those "certainties" had become quite uncertain, and I could have freaked (not gonna lie, I did for a little while), but God spoke to me, reminding me and promising me that HE was the only certainty I truly needed. Everything else would come together in time, I just needed to trust Him and know that His plans were perfect. I desire to trust Him with all my heart and to drop all my burdens at His feet, but I find myself time and again releasing my worries to Him just to take them back again. Why is it that I continue to try to regain control of my life when my past experiences are proof that all I do is fall on my face under the weight of the desire to be in control? I don't want to be in control of my future because I know I can only see God's Will when I allow him to take the wheel. Here are some lyrics to a song that really spoke to me today by Storyside: B called, "Be Still":

"I remember all the times: the good times and the bad

I'm still holding on to You

Some days I wanna run, sometimes I come undone,

but I still belong to You

Thats how I know that when I feel like caving in,

My heart my soul is wearing thin; I just want to give up...

Nothing seems at all to add up

Can you hear me Lord?

My face is down upon the floor, its then you whisper in my ear,

'Be still and know I'm here...'

I see a side of you my friend - the same struggles that I have

My heart goes out to you!