Friday, February 22, 2008

I Wouldn't Trade It...

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.
Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him...
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men. "
-Lamentations 3:22-28, 32-33
I have so much to say, but I have no idea where to start. As I look back over the past 5 weeks, and I'm sure as you read over the past 5 weeks, I can say that they have been the worst and best 5 weeks of my life. I have never experienced pain as I experienced, and still do to some degree, but I also have never experienced God as I have been lately. I have witnessed so many amazing things in which I have seen God's hand so clearly play a part. I experienced first hand just this past week how loud God's voice can actually get when He needs you to obey immediately, and why His timing is always perfect. I cried tears of joy for the first time in a long time this past week when He allowed me to see a glimpse of His timing at work as He confirmed and affirmed my obedience to Him. I started my Bible study with the crew girls this past week and it was amazing. We are reading Becoming a Woman of Excellence by Cynthia Heald, and I can already tell that God has some amazing things in store for us through this study. I love the girls so much, and I love the insight they are able to provide on what we are studying; and it is amazing to see how God is and will be working in their lives as well. So, once again, thinking back over the past 5 weeks, even though there were times I wished God would take me away from this world, if I were given the choice to go back....I would choose to do it all over again; I wouldn't trade it for anything. I desire to spend time with God every minute of each day because He has brought me so incredibly close to Him and His heart through all this. Words just can't describe how He has changed my heart. NO, I would never trade the love I have been feeling from God and for Him for the absence of the pain of a shattered heart. I still have so much growing to do and so many things to work on...I know this period is not in any way over, and I'm certain it never will be because I want to continue growing closer to Him in the dramatic way that I have been throughout these past 5 weeks. God is so good! Before I end this post, I just want to say that Matthew and I finally talked last night face to face....a real talk. The things that were said are positive things and they shed a different light on things, but I am choosing to remain cautiously optimistic. Simply said, God showed me a glimpse of a light at the end of the tunnel. But, that's just it....a light at the END of the tunnel; I'm not going to let myself rush through the tunnel to get to the light. I'm certain God will bring me there when He believes I'm ready, but in the meantime, I will consider to pursue Him as I have been, as if nothing has changed...
"because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:3-4

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Bitterness as a Root

Today has been a good day to conclude a really good weekend. I am anxiously awaiting the start of a "Big Mammaz" intramural basketball game at 9:30 and I just finished an intramural soccer game, which was also for "Big Mammaz." We didn't win the soccer game, but no worries...we will dominate our basketball game. The intramural field is completely torn up. It has been raining here for 2 days straight, and so we were falling and slipping right and left on the muddy field. But, it was tons of fun; cold, but fun! I woke up Friday with a sinus infection. I wasn't able to get in to see the doctor until tomorrow, but I am actually glad my 5-week long cold turned into an infection because now I can actually treat it with real medicine, and hopefully, that will be the end of it. Friday night I worked and then just chilled in my apartment because I didn't feel that well and I was really tired. But, last night was amazing!! I went out with some friends, people that I don't normally hang out with but after last night definitely want to again. We went to Lifechurch, then Starbucks, then the dollar theater to see Enchanted, which was so good, and then we went to IHOP for a really late dinner. I know what you're thinking....what did you eat at IHOP that your stomach could handle? Well, I had an egg sandwich and some fruit, and it wasn't bad. However, that was a 9:30 dinner, and with my stomach disorder, I just can't eat that late. So, I paid for it when I got back to my apartment with a really bad stomach ache. However, it was completely worth it because I had such an amazing time!!! I love getting to know people, laughing, and talking about faith and life. Oh, what a fun night! Anyway, God really spoke to me last night during Craig's sermon at Lifechurch. The new series is titled, Hostage, and the topic last night was "Bitterness." If you missed it last night, or you don't go to Life, I would thoroughly recommend listening to it online. I have a link to Life's website down and to the right a bit. Well, ever since my life and future plans were jerked out from under me, or so I thought, I kept telling myself that I wasn't bitter or angry with Matthew. I knew that I loved him so much, that no matter how much it hurt me and how greatly my heart was broken, I wanted him to do what he felt was right. It was so easy to think this way at first, and so easy to tell people that I wasn't mad at him despite what I was going through. However, as time passed, my heart began to change and I began to feel things other than pain. I began to realize that I was angry with him. Everytime something reminded me of him, I would still feel that initial sadness and longing, but then those old feelings would be followed by new feelings of bitterness. I kept denying that I was bitter, and I denied it so much that it wasn't even something I prayed about. I was still only praying that God would comfort me and take the pain away. But then, last night, it hit me at church - I finally realized that I was bitter because of what Matthew had done. I was bitter because I had opened the door for him to talk to me, and he still hasn't chosen to even after 4 weeks. I was bitter because I felt he had no compassion whatsoever for my feelings. I was bitter because he showed up at the fitness center the other day to workout wearing my shirt. I was bitter because no matter how many times I am successful during the day to keep him out of my thoughts and focus them on God, I fail over and over again at night because I can't keep him out of my dreams...Craig described bitterness as a "dangerous root" that if allowed to grow to deep, can produce a "poisonous fruit." Hebrews 12:15 says, "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." I don't want a root of bitterness toward him to develop and grow, so I have to kill it by forgiving him. It's not something that can just happen overnight, as most of you know, but I know it will eventually kill the bitterness that I have been denying. So, I promise to forgive you over and over again; each morning when I wake up, I will forgive you because I don't want to be bitter, and I don't want bitterness to turn into something much worse. I FORGIVE YOU...

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Valentine's Day?

So, of course, today is Valentine's Day. I had PT at 7:30 this morning, then I worked out, went to class, and now I'm at work until right before my night class at 6:00. I'm still fighting this ridiculous chain of monstrous colds. I have been sick now for almost a month, and I'm wondering if it will ever get better. Yes, I have been to the doctor and he pretty much told me there was nothing he could do because I just had continuous symptoms of the common cold. Oh well, I've decided that when you go through severe emotional trauma, your immune system gets depressed, and well, that's what I'm dealing with I guess. So, I was working at the coffee shop and I saw a girl come in and sit in one of the chairs for a while. I could tell she was waiting on someone because she didn't order a drink and she wasn't studying or anything. A little while later, a guy walks in with a Gladware box of what seemed to be homemade cookies and two red roses. The girl immediately jumped up as she saw him and ran into his arms with a giddy little giggle. It was so sweet and sad at the same time. I would love just one single rose for Valentine's Day. Oh well. I did, however, get a huge package from my mom for Valentine's Day. I was so excited!! I got several bags of coffee for my new coffee maker, some chocolate, some cookie cutters and sprinkles to make cookies, and a couple of other things. I thought today was going to be really tough, but I have a couple of amazing friends who are praying for me today, and I know their prayers have helped me get through. So, all in all, it hasn't really been that bad. I'm reading this awesome book by John Eldridge called Desire and God has really been speaking to me through it. It has been encouraging because I had decided that I don't ever want to fall in love again, or at least not for a long time, but he speaks on the importance of not burying our desires. For as long as I can remember, a strong desire of mine has been to marry the man of my dreams, to love him unconditionally, and for us to grow as one spiritually with God at the forefront of our life together. God made my heart with that desire and for me to bury it and pretend I was never passionate about it would be an insult to Him. The desires of our heart come directly from God. He brings us closer to Him through those desires. To flee from them would be to cut off that connection we have with our Father....

Saturday, February 9, 2008

I Think I'm Finally Getting It....

So, today was a really good day. It was beautiful outside. I'm still pretty sick, but I was able to workout a little and that felt good. I made lots and lots of follow-up phone calls for my Ghana support raising. God is amazing!! I left a lot of messages, but the people that I was able to catch were so excited and I could tell God had allowed them to share in my passion for Africa. I had a handful of people commit to supporting me financially today, and I still have so many people to talk to and so many more letters to send out. I have been praying so hard for the people I am sending letters to and I know God is speaking to their hearts. Another reason I'm happy is because I went out for dinner and coffee with a group of friends last night that I hadn't hung out with in quite a while. I had so much fun and I laughed so hard that my abs were sore today. I needed that so much. I can' t remember the last time I laughed that hard; I had actually almost forgotten how much I love to laugh. One of my friends that came along snorts when she laughs...well, it makes me laugh even harder, and then she laughs and snorts louder...needless to say, I'm sure that restaurant was ready for us to leave!
After a couple of rough nights last week, I went to Borders and browsed the Christian book section. I found two books that I think will be so helpful for me right now. I have already almost finished one of them, and I want to share some of the things the author said that really spoke to my heart. The book is called Why by Anne Graham Lotz, and it's about trusting God in circumstances that you don't seem to understand. There are many quotes throughout the book, but one of them touched my heart so deeply that it has been my prayer each morning to remind me that I've given my concerns to Him and I'm trusting completely that His hand is in everything that has been happening lately:
"I lay my 'whys?' before Your Cross in worship kneeling,
my mind beyond all hope,
my heart beyond all feeling;
and worshipping, realize that I,
in knowing You,
don't need a 'why?'"
(Ruth Bell Graham).
God also spoke to me in something the author said, "God has given you a platform of suffering from which you can be a witness of His power and grace to those who are watching. Because, if we always feel good, and look good, and lead a good life...if our kids always behave, and our boss is always pleased, and our home is always orderly, and our friends are always available, and our bank account is always sufficient, and our car always starts, and our body always feels good...if we are patient, and kind, and thoughtful, and happy, and loving, others shrug - because they're capable of being that way too, when everything goes right. On the other hand...if we have a splitting headache, the kids are screaming, the phone is ringing, the boss is yelling, and the supper is burning, yet we are still patient, kind, thoughtful, happy, and loving...the world sits up and takes notice. The world knows that kind of behavior is not natural. It's supernatural. And the glory of Jesus is revealed in us!" Anyway, God has taught me so much through this book and I have been so at peace lately. Like I said earlier, I had a couple of tough days last week, but one thing that gave so much strength was a letter a friend wrote to me. It was so encouraging, and it reminded me of the strong woman of God that I seek to be. He also quoted Isaiah 40:31 at the end of the letter, and that verse gave me so much strength:
"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
God is daily renewing my strength as He is drawing me closer to Him, and my heart yearns so much for time to be solely with Him. My room mates were gone to a race yesterday and today. So, I was alone and I popped in the new Jeremy Riddle CD that I just purchased, and I cranked up the volume and had the most amazing God time ever! I'll end with the words to this song on his CD Full Attention:
"May Your voice be louder
May Your voice be clearer than all the others,
than all the others
May Your face be dearer
May Your words be sweeter than all the others
Than all the others in my life
Please keep my eyes fixed on You
Please root my heart so deep in You
Keep me abiding that I
Oh, that I might bear fruit
May Your presence be truer
May Your presence be nearer than all the others,
than all the others
May Your light burn brighter
May Your love go deeper than all the others
Than all the others in my life"

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Trust

"I won't pretend to know what you're thinking.
I can't begin to know what you're going through.
I won't deny the pain that you're feeling,
But I'm gonna try and give a little hope to you...
Just remember what I've told you:
There's so much you're living for.
There's a light at the end of this tunnel.
There's a light at the end of this tunnel.
For you, for you.
There's a light at the end of this tunnel.
Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel.
For you, for you!
So keep holdin' on.
You've got your disappointments and sorrows.
You ought to share the weight of that load with me,
Then you will find that the light of tomorrow
Brings a new life for your eyes to see...
So remember what I've told you:
There's so much you're living for.
There's a light at the end of this tunnel.
There's a light at the end of this tunnel.
For you, for you.
There's a light at the end of this tunnel.
Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel.
For you, for you.
So keep holdin' on ..."
~Tunnel THIRD DAY

Friday, February 1, 2008

Sweetly Broken

"To the cross I look.
To the cross I cling.
Of it's suffering, I do drink.
Of it's work, I do sing.
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love,
And God is just...
At the cross You beckon me.
You draw me gently to my knees,
And I am lost for words, so lost in love.
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.
What a priceless gift:
Undeserved life, have I been given
Through Christ crucified.
You’ve called me out of death.
You’ve called me into life.
And I was under Your wrath,
Now, through the cross I’m reconciled.
At the cross You beckon me.
You draw me gently to my knees,
And I am lost for words, so lost in love.
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.
In awe of the cross I must confess:
How wondrous Your redeeming love
And how great is Your faithfulness...
At the cross You beckon me.
You draw me gently to my knees,
And I am lost for words, so lost in love.
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered...
~Jeremy Riddle